Post conviction Rehab treatment

So I returned to Talbot House and life went on pretty much as it had during the past few weeks. Several months passed and I made much progress with my illness.  One of the conditions of my sentence was that I attend a treatment program at Homewood Health Centre in Guelph, Ont. This was arranged to begin on Sept. 2.

I arrived at Homewood with high expectations but I was only there for a short while before things went wrong for me. My roommate was a heroin addict, from Vancouver, only 19 years old (Steve).  He and I got along great. He reminded me much of myself when I was younger, not taking life too seriously and perhaps too smart for his own good.  After a few days there, he came back from a walk downtown stoned on heroin. None of the staff or other patients knew, but I did. This went on daily for about a week before he was called in for a random urine test. The next morning, I came back from my morning session and he was gone. He took off for Vancouver without telling anyone.

All the while he was using I was really confused. Negative feelings and thoughts of deviant behavior which I thought had left me over the past few months were again brought to the surface. When I tried to talk about these feelings and behavior in group I was made to feel that the way I thought was wrong. When Steve was using I talked to him and asked him to confess to his group. He said he would but kept putting it off and then he was gone. When I told the nurse that I knew he was using she made me feel like I was bad and wrong for not turning him in. Meanwhile other patients were going home for the weekend and coming back drunk or stoned. These people were not kicked out. Their reasons for using were being dealt with in group. They were not punished.

This created great confusion in my mind because it was totally different from what I saw in treatment in P.E.I. but again when I brought up the subject of relapse I was told that I shouldn’t even be talking about such a thing. I just couldn’t understand how to get along, what they wanted from me and this eventually led to an early discharge from the program. I was also continually being questioned and analyzed about my motivation, as I was technically there under the courts direction. This to me was a hurdle I could not overcome.

Disaster - Reg violates his conditional sentence terms

I returned to Talbot House but found that I had lost the sense of trust that I once had in the staff due to the way I was treated in Homewood. Another patient in Talbot, who I had become close friends with, was found to be using was quickly put out of the house before I even knew what happened. I tried to talk about my feelings on this in group but again I was made to feel that there was something wrong with my thinking. Relapse is a major part of addiction but it seems like the subject is taboo in treatment centres (and I feel this has something to do with their low success rate).

Thoughts of using and cravings built up inside of me and I couldn’t release them because I felt that I couldn’t openly and honestly with the staff (there was one staff member, John F., who I was getting to know, whom I felt might be able to talk to but I was unsure I would make him uncomfortable by talking about this subject. I didn’t want to be pushed away again).

Eventually on Fri. Oct 23 something inside me snapped and I took a phenobarb pill (this is what they use in detox to subdue cravings). I did not take it to get high. If I wanted to get high I would have taken cocaine or morphine, both of which are easily available on the street. I just wanted these fucking negative feelings to go away. I don’t know if they’ll ever go away but I don’t want them anymore. I just want to think like a normal person, whatever that is. I hope someday I’ll find out.

On Wednesday morning we were supposed to have our group meeting at 8:30 am. The staff came in and told us they had something urgent to deal with. Shortly afterward an RCMP car pulled up in front of the house and two officers walked into the office. I was then called in. Will C. waved a piece of paper in my face and said,

“I have the results of your urine test. You tested positive for barbiturates and are discharged from the house”.

Then I was handcuffed and taken away and now I sit writing my story, hoping everything will work out some day.