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| 1999 Jail Diary #1 |
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Another dull day. Another fucking month to go. I guess it was pretty hot out today (25C) but I didn’t go out. I don’t want to see what I’m missing.
Funny, but two days ago it was snowing, a storm really. The power was out here. It was just me and Tyler, but another guy came in this evening, Rueben. No Scrabble today, just sleep and watching tv.I called home to tell them I’ll be another month but they knew that anyway. They say [Janine] has calmed down, “come down off her high horse”. I think it’s agreed that we will talk it out. My father has said that he advised Lawrence MacAuley’s staff that we sent a letter so perhaps I will see some action there. He also plans to talk to him about this place. They’re not going to forget about me around here for a while … I really wish I was home now. This place is getting to me. I’m going to ask for a TA for family problems but I expect it will be refused. There is no compassion in this place. It’s a very cold negative environment.
Wrote a letter to [Janine] last night which I will fix up tomorrow and send. Im trying to make peace with her and make her feel guilty at the same time. I think our problems could have been worked out if only we had talked about them ...
Today is a first for me. I went outside wearing shorts (I have nice legs for a guy). I guess I’ve overcome that fear. I’m going to emerge from this a new man … everything’s all right in our unit except maybe that we’re watching too many movies. I hate watching movies on tv. This new guy, Reuben is alright now that I’ve adjusted to him. Might even be a source of Demerol. I might be speaking with him when he gets out. He’s involved in coke quite heavily too. Got me thinking about the money again. Would be nice to go away with some …
Cleaned up my room today (#666). That’s a major achievement for me. It was an awful mess but the guards don’t bother me about it anymore. Maybe they do understand me. It was nice out again today so I went out. I’m going to get a tan this year, first time since I was a kid. I may even take my shirt off ... Tyler didn’t get his drugs so he was disappointed. Looks like the Demerol are all gone so I am disappointed too. But I should have some connections when I get out of here. Went to church again tonight. It was kinda boring but the only time we get together with the other units. It’s nice to get out of the unit for an hour too. Of course, I’d never go to church if I wasn’t in jail … I’ve had a sore stomach and back a bit lately. I don’t know what’s causing this. I’d get better if I eat but I don’t really think it’s caused by hunger alone. The nurse gave me some Maalox. So I’ll see if that works. It seems like she doesn’t want me to have Gravol. She thinks I might be trying to get high. I think her husband should hit her a little harder, knock some sense into the bitch …
the guards are letting us stay up late tonight to watch “The Rock”, which is unusual, especially with [Guard 3] working … Finally got to the library this evening, after them putting us off all last week. I put in a complaint which I worded to be rude cause I was pissed off yesterday. Joe took me aside this morning and said that kind of thing makes enemies. I don’t care about making enemies but I told him to throw out the complaint anyway. Lorrie joked that he “hoped I’d give them a good report” if he took us there. I think they all now know that I’m quite capable of causing trouble if they piss me off … I think I’m going to stay here in max until Tyler goes on the 20th. We get along pretty good so why not.
I went outside again and even had my shirt off – another first. I probably haven’t done that in over 20 years. I should have a nice tan when I get out of here. I hope to go to the gym in Summerside too and work off my fat. I’ll be a very handsome guy.
… still no drugs for Tyler, he’s not happy. Everything keeps falling through for him … I beat him good in Scrabble a couple of times today …
Richard got out today. He left me his number so I can call him in Toronto. … I heard today that John B. took a month off. He must be in the Detox. I’ll be pissed off if I found out he took my spot in Summerside. Anything’s possible with these bastards around here. He should have went while Susan was still here. There won’t be any access to the computers for a month now. What a fucked up place this is. Twenty six more days, well maybe a few less.
I was sick this morning. My stomach is bothering me a lot lately. At least [the Nurse] finally gave in today and said she’ll let me see the doctor, after a month of complaining … Rueben went to court today and got remanded so he’ll be with us for a while. I guess that’s ok. Another fellow came in too, Steven R. … Tyler’s getting some pills tomorrow so I’m a-hoping I’ll get a piss test tomorrow morning. Its been a while. Really not much happened today, it was just another day.
I’m all alone here tonight. I’m not exactly sure what happened. Tyler got his Valium today and took a bunch (too many) this afternoon (he gave me 4 but asked for them back later). He was pretty well wrecked (call a towtruck) and Vern would let him make a phone call so he said he was gonna ‘go off’. He was getting ready for war (crib boards ready) and then [Guard 3] called him out to talk to John, the CO III [Correctional Officer], and locked the unit down behind him (which meant he wasn’t coming back in). At this point, I went to a visit with my mother.
When I got back, they were all gone: Tyler, Rueben, Steven. And the unit obviously had been torn apart for drugs, including my room which I’m a little pissed off about cause I wasn’t even involved. I’m thinking that Tyler should stop taking Valium cause when he does he always end up in the hole. And he’s not as happy and good natured as he usually is. I might try and send him the meditation book that I got today, though I doubt they’ll allow that.
… my visit was alright although still behind glass, of course. I think I will attempt an open visit again, see what happens. I’d really like to see Steven and [Valerie]. I’d like to see [Pauline] too but that will have to wait … Saw [Guard 2] when I was going to my visit and he asked me when I was coming down to medium. It’s not up to me, is what I told him. Although I like it here, I wish [Counselor] would fuck off and smarten up so I would have the option of going there … tomorrow, I should call Brian S. and see what’s going on. It’s going to be a long quiet weekend here. I don’t expect that they’ll be back for at least 3 days, probably not till Monday. I suppose the good thing is that I can watch whatever I want on t.v. …
Today was the 20th anniversary of this place and what a farce it was. New curtains and chairs in the kitchen. We were locked in all afternoon. Tyler, Rueben and Steven got sent to Summerside for the afternoon. I wish I had done something to fuck it up … I had the unit to myself all day and I found it peaceful. I don’t think they’ll be back till Sunday or even Monday …
I got a sunburn on my back today. Shouldn’t be too long before I have a tan … Jennifer wasn’t in this weekend, or last, I’m kinda disappointed. I look forward to seeing her. Her and I would make cute babies. … And I’m a-kinda looking forward to having the place to myself all weekend. Tomorrow I can watch American Justice (KILL! KILL!) all day, no movies …
Another peaceful day alone in the unit. Well, Steven got back this evening, tomorrow for Tyler and Rueben they say. I was told that if I had been there when everything happened they would have taken me too, for suspicion. I guess my mother came at just the right time … my stomach pain is gone today. Nice to have a respite from that … I got a sunburn on my chest, stomach and legs too today. Hope it stays sunny for a few more days … the guards brought in some Moncton newspapers today – nice to read that for a change. I haven’t seen the Summerside paper today so I’ll have something to read tomorrow, most fortunate, yes …
Tyler came back this evening so all is back to normal. They’re keeping Rueben for a while cause he tried to hang himself for a cigarette (?!?). This foolish place … I got myself sunburned back and front, I think that should turn into a tan. So maybe, I’ll come out of here looking like an Indian … three more weeks and I’m outta here. Yabba-dabba-doo!
Everything was ok today except for church. They made us watch a god movie which nearly drove me foolish. I had to get up and ask to leave … Rueben is still in the hole. The narcs were out here tonight, maybe to talk to him. He’s got a really big mouth. I won’t be surprised if he gets himself killed when he gets out of here … Tyler had an interview for his pre-sentence report today. I think he’s a good chance of getting a lighter sentence if he plays up his addiction. I’d like to see him get control of that cause he’s a pretty good guy. We’re all gonna be ok when this is over.
I got a visit arranged today for Saturday with the kids. I’m a-looking forward to that. And I called Anne today but she wasn’t home. She called back but they wouldn’t let me talk to her. What’s that all about? … and Georgina took me to the computer room this afternoon, so I got some letters written there.
For the rest of the afternoon, I talked to Tyler about his addiction. We’re trying to figure out how to get him some help when he gets out. That’s twelfth step work I think. I think now that I’m going to stay in max and see what happens with Tyler. Time seems to go by well with me and him and Steve. I’ve only got a couple of weeks left anyway (I hope).
Finished up my letters to Ontario treatment centres (fourteen of them) and got ‘em in the mail today along with another application to Canadian … no word from Anne today. [Supervisor] told me that she called yesterday and said that she would call back, maybe tomorrow. I get to see the doctor tomorrow. He’s putting me on some kind of medication for my stomach. He mentioned that back pain could be caused by a pancreas problem common, I guess, in heavy drinkers. That knowledge may come in handy someday …
I called Irene for Tyler this afternoon to get him some advice. His lawyer is going to contact Dr. Jones for him … I haven’t been outside for the past few days cause its cold out there. My skin is still red. I thought it would have turned into a tan by now. Hmmm. I’m expecting to hear from parole any day now and know for sure that I’m a getting outta here.
Another day gone by. Pretty much uneventful. Started my new medication today. Can’t remember what its called. Lost a couple of games of Scrabble. Practiced my typing – I’m at 25 wpm – 28 tops. Just another day, it was neither good nor bad, just another day.
An interesting day it was. I was on the computer this afternoon and [Supervisor] called me to his office because Anne was on the phone. I didn’t get to talk very long but she said she might have a place for me to stay at her fathers farm, near the airport, that could work out alright. She hasn’t heard anything about my application though. Then after I talked to her I had a visit from a Rep. of the Nurses Association.
She’s investigating my complaint against the beast, [nurse]. I hope the bitch gets fired. I imagine she’ll be very sour the next time I see her … And Brian S. was here today. He hasn’t heard anything yet but he told me not to panic yet. Everything should work out alright.
I finally got my long awaited visit. My parents and the kids were here for an hour. I have a pretty good batch of kids. I’m very proud of them. [Valerie] is incredibly cute (looks like me and takes after me too, I hope). They’re both good looking and smart too, just like me! I don’t really like seeing them in this setting but it’s better than not seeing them at all. Hopefully, next time I see them I’ll be in Summerside and will be able to go out for a while …
I made plans to get rid of my dope. I hope that will be taken care of today, I mean, over the next two weeks. It would be nice to have some money waiting for me when I get out. Then I can get my car going and get outta here. I’m looking forward to getting to Toronto and getting on with life. I hope that things start coming together for me.
Can’t say that I did much today, just some thinking and scheming and plotting and planning. I’m trying to figure out how to make some quick cash quietly when I get out … [my brother] and my father fucked things up with my stuff. This is really frustrating. I can’t get anything done from here. I hope I can straighten it out tomorrow but I wasn’t planning on discussing it over the phone. Why does it have to get complicated? …
I’m feeling a bit sick today – must be catching (caught) a cold. My cigarettes don’t taste as good as normal. I’ll have to see what kind of mood [the nurse] is in tomorrow and maybe ask her for something.
I want out of here. I’m getting anxious to hear about my parole. I should be starting the program two weeks from today. I can’t wait (well, I can hardly wait) till that is confirmed. Now that its getting nice outside, the days seem to be getting longer … there’s a guy in here from New Brunswick who sounds to have some good connections. I’m waiting to get a chance to talk to him. I might be able to do George a favor, make up for past mistakes. And maybe make something for myself.
I received some devastating news yesterday. My parole has been turned down. I am shocked and very disappointed. I wasn’t at all prepared for that. I was sure that it would be ok’d. I didn’t get any explanation yet. Brian is out of his office and all I got is a short fax saying I would have a hearing in July. I can’t understand this. I’ve done all that I can. I’ve never seen anyone else here get turned down so I can’t figure out what the problem is. I had a good report and recommendation from Brian. I hate the thought of spending the summer here. Obviously, that higher power thing is bullshit. If I didn’t have so much time left I’d say fuck the parole. Staying sober in here hasn’t helped me out any …
Tyler is going to court tomorrow for sentencing. It’s not going to be the same here without him around. I hope it goes well for him tomorrow. Steven is leaving tomorrow too. So it’ll just be me and Chris, the French guy. Next week, I’ll try to get down to medium. They need me down there … My father told me that Lawrence MacAuley hadn’t yet received my letter, two weeks after I mailed it. I’m very suspicious about this place. It also took two weeks for the Nurses Union to get my letter. I think tomorrow I’ll write to Herb Dickinson and Lawrence again. I should have made a copy of my letter to Lawrence. You can’t trust any of these bastards here.
Brian S. called this morning and left a message that he didn’t understand the boards decision. I was hoping that he was in Moncton trying to straighten this out, but I guess not. He’ll be here to see me next week but I expect that theres nothing he can do …
I wrote a birthday card to [Valerie] and sent it today. I wish I could be there, as I haven’t been out for any of her birthdays yet. This thing started just before she was born. I thought it was coming to an end but I just don’t know anymore.
Tyler went to court today and got four years. I was hoping that his sentencing would be put off for a week, but it was not so. Things will never be the same around here now that that he’s gone. He really kept things interesting. I hope he can get his drug problem under control because he’s really a good guy, one of the best I’ve met here. He will be missed …
I was supposed to go to my first meeting as Unit Rep today but they cancelled it. Our concerns apparently aren’t important to them. Assholes …
They have a new girl working in the library here. She’s kinda cute. Hope to see more of her … I asked [Supervisor] to photocopy two letters for me today. Actually I asked Lorrie who took them to [Supervisor]. Apparently my requests for copies have to be screened. He at first refused and then later he copied only one, my letter from the RCMP, but wouldn’t copy my letter from Wes MacAleer. I guess he thinks this will stifle my complaint. He will find out soon that this is not the case.
I wrote a letter to Herb Dickinson today about PEI’s lack of an Ombudsman and in it I mentioned this incident. I am also going to mention it when I write to Lawrence MacAuley, since apparently my last letter to him has ‘disappeared’. Tampering with mail is a criminal offence. These assholes think they can get away with anything. Someday they’ll be sorry they fucked me around …
I found out tonight from a nurse, , that [nurse] cut off my cold pills for the weekend without even mentioning it to me. She’s such a bitch. I hope she gets fired and her husband beats her …
Steven got 30 months today, so he and Tyler will be going to Spring Hill together. I wish I had been sent there instead of this shithole …
It’s a-gonna be a quiet weekend here with just me and Chris. He’s an alright fella but we don’t have a lot to talk about and there’s not enough of us to play Risk or Scrabble … oh well …
This should have been my last weekend here but it was just another boring weekend. Tomorrow is a holiday too so I won’t find out what's going on till Tuesday at the earliest. I can’t bear the thought of spending the summer here. Why me? I’ve paid my debt twice over by now. I may lose this whole year in this shithole.
I did get a couple of letters written today to Lawrence MacAuley and Herb Dickinson. I’m going to get one of the guards to sign and date the envelope as a precaution. These fuckers are tampering with my mail. I may even call the cops about that.
Today is a holiday (Victoria Day) so things were kind of slow around here. I’m not sure why that makes a difference; maybe it’s because there’s no paper. I talked to Tyler this morning. He’s going Wednesday.
I talked to John a couple of times today too; in church and outside. I think I’m a gonna try to get to medium this week, but first I want to go to the unit reps meeting, which should be tomorrow. I’m gonna try and stir things up a bit, as only I can do.
More bad news. [xxx] now says he through out my stuff. I just lost 3 or 4 grand. But I’ve been expecting this. I don’t know if he used it himself or not but if he didn’t it was stupid to throw it away without telling me. I can’t believe this is happening. I just figured out what the worst thing about being in jail is – it’s not the time you spend here, it’s the way everybody wants to fuck you over on the outside. Nobody wants to do you a favor or visit.
You realize how few friends you have (even friends seem out to harm you). I see now, unfortunately, that I can neither depend on or trust anyone. Same thing with the parole board – they’re out to fuck me around. And [Supervisor] and Verna and [Counselor]. ... Everybody except my parents and the kids. I would trust some of the guys in here now more than anybody I know outside. I don’t think I want anything to do with Souris when I get out of here and never come back. It seems like everyone is conspiring to make sure I don’t have a penny when I get out of here. I can’t get any explanation from the parole board. I’m sure [Supervisor] won’t let me take the program in advance. The only person who genuinely wants to help is Anne. I look forward to speaking with her and to Jennifer, when or if she comes back. I think I should spend more time with females when I get out. They are nicer to me. And they find me adorable too.
This is the real [holiday]. It’s [my daughters] second birthday. Again I miss out. When she was born I was in Detox and I was also there on her first birthday. And next year I probably won’t be around either. I was really pissed off tonight when I called [Janine] and she wouldn’t accept my call. Why would she do such a thing on [my daughters] birthday? She just keeps doing one thing after another to piss me off and it’s all so unnecessary. I didn’t want to call home and I couldn’t get an answer at Anne’s. I think she’s the only friend that I have outside of this place …
I pleaded with [Supervisor] today to let me take the program in June. I’m doubtful that he’ll do anything for me but he said he’ll call the Detox and Brian S. tomorrow so I’m hanging on to a thin shread of hope. But I’m ready and expecting to be turned down again. This whole thing is so stupid. I don’t think anybody wants to see me do well. I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what else I can do … Larry got put in our unit today, that’s about the only good thing that’s happened this week. He brought some duMaurier cigarettes in with him, which is a real treat for me. Besides beer, drugs, pizza and women, that’s what I’ve missed the most.
… my mother is coming in tomorrow. I hope I have some sort of good news to give her. After I see her I think I’ll cut back on my contact with Souris. Everything I hear from there lately seems to get me stressed out. Perhaps it’s better just to forget about the outside world and just focus on getting through my days here.
My mother was in to visit today. It seems that it was [Janine]'s mother who wouldn’t accept the call and she says [Janine] feels bad about it, so I will call on Saturday. [xxx], it seems, is being an asshole. I don’t expect that I will ever recover that debt. ...
I got an acceptance letter from Holland College in the mail. It’s too bad that it wasn’t mentioned in my parole application. Brian S. is out today so its probably too late to do anything with it. We faxed it to Moncton anyway. [Supervisor] didn’t give me an answer about the program. I’m expecting to be turned down. If so I will have to really consider whether or not parole is worth taking. If I can’t be out till the end of August, I may be just as well off to stay till my sentence is up in December.
… I was talking to Jimmy today and we might be able to set something up after I get out but that might prevent me from going to Toronto. I’m getting confused about this … Chris is leaving tomorrow. He is a good guy. I will get his number and maybe I can contact him when I’m out. I’ve made some good connections in here. Rueben and David got into a fight this evening. They are both gone to lockup and I’m glad because I am tired of listening to them. And I will get a chance to discuss business with Jimmy now that they are gone …
We got the Risk game out this evening and had a couple of games which were a lot of fun. The day seemed to go by fast. I’m feeling better about things lately. I’m glad to have made a lot of friends in here. It won’t be so bad if I have to finish my sentence here. It looks like I will get an opportunity to make some money when I get out. Things are not great but they could always be worse.
Well [Supervisor] fucked everything up today, as expected. I’m not allowed to take the program in June because my release date is in January, even though it is obviously a good choice to do so. This place is so fucked up. They’re so caught up in rules and regulations that they can’t even be human. But there’s not much I can do about it. Bastards. Infidels.
At least things are alright in our unit. We’re making plans to get a brew going and get drunk … I got to talk to Jimmy today. It looks like we can help each other out and both make some good money after we get out. I hadn’t planned to go back to dealing but if the system is not willing to help me then I’m prepared to do things my own way. Fuck ‘em. I may change my mind by the time July 12 comes around, but that’s how I’m feeling now.
It’s taken me so long to get parole that its not worthwhile to me anymore, I think. I know that this will hurt my relationship with my family, but I’ve done all I can to deal with my drug problem and it still isn’t enough. It looks like I’ll be spending six more months in here. I’ll have quite a story to tell when this is all over, whenever that is …
Chris left today for St. John. I kinda liked having him around. I have his phone number so I may call him and stop in on my way to Toronto whenever that will be … I got hold of three Toronto Suns today. This was really a treat for me. I’m trying to ration them so I will have something to read all weekend.
Time seems to be going by well with Larry here. I didn’t even get around to taking a nap. That will help me to sleep better tonight and tomorrow morning …
Dave and Rueben are back so I have to be careful again about talking to Jimmy. But we’ve made some plans and if we both get out this fall there should be a lot of money coming in and my old debts will be wiped out. That gives me something to look forward to. He has a Toyota Supra which I’m interested in too if things work out. I’m glad that we met here …
I called [Janine] tonight and had a pleasant conversation and talked to [Valerie] for a second. I will miss seeing her this summer and Steven will be disappointed as well. But that is out of my control …
Although I want to go to Toronto, I’d also like to stay in Charlottetown for a while because I’ve met so many people in here that I’ve never hung around with before and I’ve made many connections where I can make some money. If I can work at the right level I think I could do fine … I found out from [Janine] that my gold bracelet is indeed gone. Looks like John stole it. I’m pissed off about that, but not surprised. The world is full of thieves and bastards.
Well, what happened today? I cleaned my toilet. It was starting to stink cause sometimes up I get up in the middle of the night to piss and I miss the toilet cause its dark in here …
Jason took a seizure out in the bullpen this afternoon. He was banging his head on the pavement and cut himself up, bit his tongue too. It was kind of scary to watch. Hope he’s ok … Larry and I are trying to see how much of a mess we can make in the unit before they do something about it. It’s coming along well. Larry has a piece of bologna stuck to the wall by the clock. I enjoy doing time with him so I’ll probably stay in max for a while yet. I’ve got lots of time.
Another month gone by. That makes seven. How many more? … It should be busy around here tomorrow.
The crack house got raided tonight so we’ll be getting some new guys in tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what comes out of this. But I hope Jimmy doesn’t get any more charges. I expect that Rueben will be charged with conspiracy, at least … Larry got all his wisdom teeth out today. Obviously he’s in pain. But he might be able to do something for us if things work out with the doctor …
I think Dave is getting out tomorrow. I’ve asked him to do me a favor. I hope it works out cause I will be a thousand bucks richer … so tomorrow begins another month …