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I awoke this morning feeling shaken and uneasy due to a dream (nightmare?) I had during the night. I chose not to get up and begin writing at the time, hoping these feelings would pass with a few more hours sleep (also I am low on tobacco and the best way I know to conserve tobacco is to sleep). I was correct and the feelings would pass and so now I shall relate the dream to you. The dream ties in with another one that I had several nights before but had forgotten so I shall describe the first dream … first.
In the first dream I was living at home with my parents. My brothers were also there so this would be at least 15 years ago. A package had arrived in the mail addressed to me. It was from my cousin in Montreal (who was murdered in 1993 – drug related, but I still don’t know the details). The package contained two bags each containing a different variety of hashish, 2 bags each containing cocaine from different countries in south America, and one bag containing ¼ gram of heroin, which was yellow in color (which is unusual). The only thing of interest to me was the heroin. I dumped out the bag, got a needle, and began to prepare a fix. Then my mother came into the room, grabbed the heroin and went to hide it somewhere. That’s basically what I remember of the first dream.In the second dream, I was in a group meeting at Talbot House but it was in a different room than the one we usually meet in. In fact, the whole house was different. One of the councilors, Wade M., jumped up and grabbed me, yelling that I was the son of satan. He was holding the lid of a jar one of the patients had given him. It had 3 holes punched in it and beside each one of them was a number 6 (666, the number of the beast, in the bible). I had some sort of medallion in my pocket with 666 on it and it seemed that everyone was aware that I had it. I felt like I had been exposed, that my secret was out. I tried to laugh it off but inside I was trembling. I also feared that they would point out that my date of birth is in the sixth month of 1966.
In the second part of this dream I was at home with my parents (again 15 years in the past). My mother was sleeping on the couch and my father was not at home. I was trying to find the bag of heroin that she had hidden. I went to the bathroom to check out the medicine cabinet. When I came out there was a note on my mothers bedroom door saying that she had gone to work. I opened the door, thinking the room to be empty, but I heard some noise. My father was in the corner talking to someone but there was nobody there. Then he looked at me and I felt scared like I had been caught doing something bad. All of a sudden there was a noise from the attic like someone walking. We went up to the attic. My father went in first and I was behind him holding a flashlight. I shined the light on the floor and there was a huge pile of fresh shit. Then I saw something moving along the wall. It was some sort of black dog like beast, about 6 feet long with many snarling heads and some sort of monkey like creature growing out of its back. It lunged at my father and the next thing I remember I was out in the yard screaming. Then I woke up.What do our dreams mean? I had no recollection of the previous dream but it was very clear to me during this dream.
When I woke up I felt scared. I am locked up in my cell at night. The cell is about 8’ x 10’. The light switch is outside the cell where only the guards can access it. It was very dark and I felt closed in. I felt like there was an evil presence in the room. I wondered if I was evil or if it had been left here by a previous inmate. I am not a religious man but I began to pray. I attempted to say the “Our Father” but I could not remember the words (I have been to well over 100 AA Meetings in the last 6 months and they all close with this prayer but still I could not remember the words). O put my back to the wall so I could see the entire room and recited the serenity prayer until I fell asleep.
The latest dilemma(?) unfolding here is the sex offender in the next unit. Sex offenders are despised by other inmates. I’ve been told that in other institutions you would be shanked (stabbed) just for talking to one (“you might as well just stab yourself”). Usually they are separated from the other inmates for their own safety so it is unusual that they have put one in with us. There is a good deal of concern and anger amongst the inmates although I can discuss anything I have heard because this will probably be read by the guards before I leave (G – joke for guard symbol) can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his wooden leg and counting the rings?
Today is going to be a long day. I have run out of tobacco. The other guys will give me cigarettes but it makes me uncomfortable to ask (fear of rejection, loss of control?) I had made arrangements for Doug’s girlfriend to pick up my welfare check at Talbot House but they wouldn’t give it to here when she went to pick it up. So it’s hard to get anything done from here. I will have no money for cigarettes when the canteen opens tomorrow and may have to rely on charity until Wednesday (fuck!).
This afternoon I was allowed to go to the gym for an hour where I had a couple games of snooker (1 win, 1 loss), it was rather enjoyable and quickly killed an hour.
I slept in this morning and had to run to the kitchen for breakfast. I’m told that if you miss a meal you get thrown in the ‘hole’ (the dreaded hole – isolation, no smoking). This morning we had pancakes (actually one pancake – as if it were normal to have only one pancake!).
We had a bunch of inmates from Summerside jail here for the weekend and now they have gone back – things are returning to ‘normal’. There is much discontent among the inmates about the ‘rapehound’ (sex offender). If he is not moved out by the staff it looks like he will be getting a beating.
All of us are out of tobacco (except one guy who hides in his room and smokes – the uglier side of human nature comes out in situations like this). We pick through the ashtrays and look for butts we can get a bit of tobacco from and re-roll it. Times are tough here in max. More tobacco will be coming from the canteen at 11:00. I have no money yet one of the guys, Richie, has promised to buy me a bale of tobacco, to be repaid when I get money (a kind gesture from a man I met only 3 days ago).Today I hope to be talking to my lawyer and possibly the journalist at Holland College.
Aha! The guard just called me and told me my cheque has arrived (from my mother – she’s always there for me). Now I am able to get tobacco and junk food. Today will be a good day after all. It’s nice to know there’s someone there who cares. Now I feel a bit of guilt and will (should) call home sometime this week (I had decided I was not going to, since I had the feeling my parents were not very supportive this time. Nobody understands me. Poor me.). Now I must put down my pencil as all my instincts tell me that this situation calls for a nap.
The tobacco just came in from the canteen. Yahoo. I feel like an addict who just got his fix. I’m going to sit here and smoke till I turn blue.
Jerry Springer is coming on TV now. It’s very popular in here. The guys have been in scandal withdrawal since Friday. Today its “I stole my moms man”.
I got a call from my lawyer. She didn’t seem very optimistic but she hasn’t seen the files yet and has only heard the prosecutors point of view. The situation doesn’t look that good. I hope I can defend myself adequately, else[?] I sit here till the year 2000. nobody understands me. Poor me.
I was hoping that Leonard MacPhee would come out to see me but there’s been no sign of him. There was no AA meeting last night either. I was looking forward to that.
I’m reading this book called “Hovels”[?] by Edward Heath. It’s interesting. The other guys watch TV all day long and I’m just not into it.
I really haven’t done much writing today. I’m a bit depressed I guess. I’m getting the feeling court on Friday will be postponed until Dr. Jones’s return. (actually I did write a 6 page letter to [Guard 3]). Tomorrow I will write to Dr. Jones. I was hoping to get her address from Leonard but I guess I’m on my own again. And one final note cuz I find this amusing. I called the guard over and I asked him if I could make a phon call. He says “too late, it’s after 10”, so I said, “but I never got to make a call today” and he says, “where were ya?” !!! where the fuck else would I be, gone to the mall? I’m locked up here all day long. Ah, this foolish place.
Today begins much like any other day in here. I get up just in time to rush to the kitchen for breakfast. The food here is … uh … one notch above terrible. Basically it sucks. I don’t like it. I’m not happy. Poor me. Nobody understands me. Later today I will be meeting with the nurse to discuss my dietary needs. I may have invented a new prison scam. I am going to portray myself as a man allergic to fish. I don’t like fish. Hopefully my efforts will not be in vain. Then there’s pork. I don’t like pork. I think my approach will be to say it is against my religion to eat pork. I must put my mind to work and come up with a name for this religion. If that fails I will insist that I can’t eat pigs because I have watched the movie, ‘Babe’ several times and my kids would be very disappointed in me if they knew I was eating that pig.
I was talking to Doug this morning about conditional sentences. He is in here because he breached his twice. On his first breach he received a 15 day sentence, so I hope for the same.
Leonard showed up this morning and we spoke for a while. Leonard is a wise and spiritual man and it was good to see him. I was telling him about how quickly I got taken away from the house [Talbot] and I suggested that the staff had wanted me out. He told me not to be so quick to jump to conclusions. As it turns out he was right. I called Wayne C. afterward and discussed this. There was no malicious intent on Wayne’s part. Sometimes I have a little difficult understanding Wayne. I believe he is a good man but I ma inherently suspicious of those in authority. I suppose this has to with the corruption and security involved in living the lifestyle I did all those years. So I was correct in my assessment of Wayne, as I had hoped. He is on my side. Now I must connect with Dr. Jones and find out whether she is onside as well.
I’m having difficulty getting anything accomplished this afternoon, with the exception of a good nap. The nurse was supposed to come and see me but didn’t show up. My lawyer was supposed to call me but didn’t. and then there was no answer at Dr. Joness office. Where do I go from here? Ah … back to sleep. When in doubt, sleep.
Well, I got to see the nurse just before supper. It seemed like she didn’t believe my story about allergy and religious beliefs. Hmmm … it was a valiant effort on my part thought, I believe. She also advised me not to contact Dr. Jones directly but instead go through the lawyer, if she ever gets back to me.
The other guys are watching WWF Wrestling. I don’t understand how anybody can watch that choreographed garbage. That’s my opinion. So, as an alternative, I will try to sleep.
Well … I’ve been here for a week and I’m still not sure if I’m having fun yet. Actually it hasn’t been anywhere near as bad in here as I had expected. We do manage to keep ourselves amused. Although I’m finding it a bit harder to come up with things to write about, as life is becoming somewhat routine.
Last night I got Wayne N.’s phone number (from George who got it from John who …). So tonight I will be giving him a call. We’ve become close friends in treatment and I look forward to speaking with him.
I had the guard call my lawyer this morning (all the calls have to be placed by the guards. That’s another rule. No paper work involved though … surprisingly). She (lawyer) was not in. Her secretary said that she is in Supreme Court for the next few days. So I left a message to call me as I understand, and hope, that she will be representing me on Friday. I’m thinking that she is thinking that because Dr. Jones is out (she is unaware the doctor is back). There is nothing that can be done on Friday except further remand (which will probably happen), and so she feels it is not urgent that she contact me. All I can do is sit her now and wait for her reply. I feel that the best I can do in this situation is to take a nap.
… there was a moment of great joy amongst the inmates which quickly turned to disappointment for reasons I can’t disclose from inside (there is much potential from these notes). Its funny how sometimes just the events of one moment can trigger something in the mind which will allow me to write extensively).
Now I wait for the arrival of the nurse (bringing regular medication) so I can begin the nap I mentioned a few lines back.
At the moment Doug is outside mopping the unit. I’m staying here in my cell so I don’t get my socks wet. We are in charge of keeping our own unit clean. Speaking for myself, I would not care if we lived like pigs, being the man that I is (newfie-ism). Actually pigs are very clean animals and I like them (Babe) but unfortunately, society views them as a filthy animal. All my sympathy goes out to the noble pig, who seeks only peace for the world and happiness for his pig family, but ultimately ends up on our plates, just another link in the food chain. Ah, the poor pig, nobody understands him.
Another amusing incident to report. I just went for a clothes change. We have to turn in our dirty clothes and then go to the counter at the laundry room, call out our assigned number (I-99) and receive a clean set of clothes. When asked for my number I called out ‘double O seven”. We all had a good laugh over this. Maybe you had to be there. But anyway it’s the humor that keeps us together. I can’t imagine a world without humor. I wouldn’t want any part of it.
All the guys are watching womens aerobics on TV, as they usually do every morning. I can’t believe that these shows are really made for women. Also, there must be a large audience of unemployed men sitting at home for shows like this to ever be conceived.
I have just written a letter to the editor regarding a story in Wednesdays paper (Nov. 4) in which the city seeks a ban on smoking in public. I’m tired of being made to feel like an outcast.
Dear editor.
Is the city going a bit too far with the smoking issue (page 1 – Wednesdays paper)? I smoke. I enjoy smoking. I don’t smoke to injure other peoples health. I just enjoy it.
Look what has happened to the Food Fair at Confederation Court Mall since its smoking ban came into effect. The area is void of customers, smokers and non-smokers alike, throughout most of the day. It was once the social center of the downtown core. Now it is virtually abandoned.
Surely we can apply some reasoning, some logic, to the situation. Hopefully a suitable compromise can be reached, allowing both smokers and non-smokers to live in harmony.
P.S. Please don’t print Sleepy Hollow as my address. I don’t belong here. I’m innocent. You gotta believe me.
Because I smoke, so I shall let my feelings be known. Somebody has to speak out. Why not me?
I just sent a letter to [Janine] to apologize for the first letter I sent her which was kind of harsh. Like I said to her, I’m kinda frustrated about the situation I’m in but I shouldn’t take my anger out on her. So I guess you could say I’m seeking amends (one of those steps in AA). So I have learned something from AA, something spiritual. So I am making progress. Indeed I is. But I still haven’t been able to take my nap yet today. Again I’m waiting for the nurse (who all but me seem to dislike. Hmmm … treat people with respect and they’ll treat you with respect) to bring the meds (medication). Who would think I would be so busy in here. Hmmm.
I may not even get my nap in now cause at 2:00 we go outside, weather permitting, or to the gym if weather is … not permitting. So we’ll just have to sit back, assess the situation, and see what happens. Then we’ll make a plan of action try to implement it. That’s how its gonna be. Yeah ….
Robbie G. has just been told they are moving him to Summerside jail, which is kind of disappointing. You just get to know someone and then he’s gone. Plus ca la meme chose. I think I speak for all of us when I say that I don’t want to see him go. I’ve told him that I will make sure that he is included in my book.
Robbie is gone now and for a short time there were just three of us but another guy, a replacement perhaps, has been moved in from medium. It seems he failed some piss tests so they’ve decided he belongs here in max with the hard core criminal elite. Always room for one more, they say.
I was just speaking with Wayne R., my partner in outlawed rehab activities, on the phone. You see, Wayne also tested positive for phenobarb and was thrown out of the home after me. Fortunately for him, the consequences were not as severe. I could write for hours about things Wayne and I have done.
I got to the library this evening to pick up some books. It’s not much of a library, but I was able to find some books and magazines (Time and Atlantic Insight – haven’t seen that in a long time) to keep me busy. I’m not interested in fiction. I like history, geography, adventure, travel, true crime.
Today is the ninth of my originally scheduled ten days here. Hopefully, but not likely, it will be my last. I await the arrival of my lawyer for her opinion.
My approach to this situation, tomorrow in court, would be to meet with Dr. Jones and discuss what happened both here and at Homewood, and have her speak in court or write a letter to the court. That is unlikely to happen tomorrow as there is not much time left. I would also hope that a staff member from the house, possibly Freddie, could write a letter describing the progress I have made in treatment. I would also like to have a letter from Martin Darrell stating that he sees promise in my writing (though I’m worried that I may have sounded desperate when I wrote him).
At this point it seems very unlikely that all of this could possibly come together by tomorrow. Perhaps if my lawyer had come to see me sooner (I have been calling her since last Wednesday) it could have been arranged. The most likely option is that it will be adjourned to a later date, hopefully within two weeks, and I will be remanded till then, probably in custody here. I wish I had at least been able to discuss the possibility of being released to my parents custody until sentencing. Actually, I don’t really want to stay with my parents but that’s the only option if I were released. I would like to be able to see my kids in Souris but the idea of living with my father makes me uncomfortable. He seems to be continually analyzing and judging me, not for what I am doing right but for what I am doing wrong. That’s how its always been and I suspect it will never change.
Today has been a really slow day, most of it spent waiting for the lawyer, who never arrived. She did call around 5:00 so we will meet at the courthouse tomorrow morning. She was talking to Dr. Jones who says that Addictions P.E.I. has done all they can for me. I will have to see her myself and explain what happened. A bit of what it was like, what happened, and what its like now.
Andre ask me tonight if I was on Paxil. He thought I was getting ‘buggy’. I am on a high dose of it and I would like to get ir reduced as I am not at all depressed now. Well … except for today.
Tomorrow, I must get up at 7 to prepare to leave at 8 for court.
Today, I went to court. Before leaving I was strip searched (lest I try to smuggles something out of jail, I guess. Although perhaps they are concerned about somebody having a makeshift handcuff key as Gary G. apparently had). Then I was allowed to change into my “street clothes”. And then I was handcuffed and even leg shackled and also photographed (they were concerned I might run away (thus the leg shackles) and if I did so they would need to have a picture to circulate for identification (thus the photograph)). After this I was locked in a little cage in the back of the van and taken downtown. I can see that they have taken precautions to prevent another [convict] (who escaped from the van en route to the court and evaded capture for several days) type incident.
My mother and father were at the courthouse. I’m glad they didn’t have to see me in cuffs and shackles (they were removed upon arrival at the courthouse). My mother will be coming to visit on Sunday. Again, I’m unsure whether I want her to visit as we will have to talk through a piece of plexiglass. I’m sure her perspective on this situation is quite different than mine and I would hate to see her cry.
The hearing was rescheduled for 9:30 but my lawyer didn’t show up until 9:45. At this point, I have little confidence in her. I wish I could afford a “real” lawyer. But these are my circumstances and I must accept them. The hearing has been adjourned to Nov. 25 to allow us more time to prepare. I was hoping to be released until that date but that has not happened.
The prosecutor is, in my opinion, an arsehole. His position is that, I should never have gotten a conditional sentence in the first place, but since I did, he seems to harbor resentment towards me. If I was released his position is that I would then be in breach of the condition that I reside in Talbot House, so he would have me arrested again. If I were a lawyer, I would love to have a case like this; there are so many challenges involved. It’s almost like a game – reg. vs prosecutor. If he were to have me arrested while on a release granted by the court I think it would look petty and vindictive, which would strengthen my case.
I think my best approach in this situation would be to write a letter to Dr. Jones. Since I am in jail, with access to a pencil and paper, and have plenty of free time, that is what I will do.
I must mention lunch. I was able to pull off my first inside scam, with Ambrose as my accomplice. I reported to the nurse that I was allergic to fish. A call was made to Ambrose who confirmed my story, apparently. Today, I was served chicken fingers – “special diet” while the others ate fish. Ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha …… infidels! ……soon all will be under my control …will proceed with plans for world domination … ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha … …
Well, I haven’t gotten a lot written here but I did write an eight page letter to Dr. Jones. Overall, I had a good day. They all seem to be good days. Life’s an adventure enjoy it.
I was able to talk the guys into watching South Park so now I go watch TV.
Jennifer, from the detox, brought me my pills tonight. It was nice to see her, a pleasant surprise. She’s always nice and friendly. I wish we had met years ago (we would make cute babies).
Today is Saturday and I slept in till lunch. I do enjoy this. I was telling the guys that sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and piss on the floor around the toilet cause its dark and I can’t see the toilet. I figured this must happen to everybody, but they laughed at me. Sometimes there’s no need for honesty.
The ones who have spent a lot of time in jail won’t even flush their toilets before noon so as not to disturb the rest of us. Myself, I will flush as it needs to be flushed until directly told otherwise.
I’m really lazy today. I slept all morning and afternoon. In fact, if I could be granted only one wish I’d ask for the ability to hibernate like a bear.
For lunch today we had real French fries and a hamburger. I guess this is a “treat” for us, every Saturday we get real fries and hotdogs or hamburgers. But they fed us stew for supper. I’m going to have to try saying that I’m allergic to that garbage. Crackers are always available in the kitchen and so I’m sustaining myself on those.
Doug said to me, “you always look like you’re in a good mood”, which is a pleasant compliment. I am always in a good mood (acceptance, page 449 of the big book). That’s what makes my time here (my ‘bit’) easy. Doug is very easy to get along with. You can always joke around with him, whereas Andre is much more serious, always bashing P.E.I. (he’s from Toronto). But you can have a laugh with him too. Mac and Larry are also easy to get along with. We have a good crew in here.
I was hoping Jennifer would bring my pills tonight, but it was not to be. I guess she must have been filling in for somebody as the guys say they’ve never seen her before. I firmly believe that Jennifer and I would make cute babies.
We are unable to get the newspaper her today. We are wondering if there is something in it they don’t want us to see. Or maybe they are just playing with our heads. They do that around here. Infidels.
I had a really good day altogether. I always feel good, every day. It’s hard to imagine that I wanted to die only 6 months ago. Now I must start working on a plan for how I will stay straight if I am released on the 25th. I am seriously considering Ontario, but first I must make some phone calls.
Again, I sleep till 12:30, getting up just in time for lunch. Today we eat like kings; chicken nuggets and French fires (PEI French fries of course). Interestingly, they serve the same chicken nuggets as you would find at McDonalds. This is the first time I’ve seen these outside of McDonalds. Andre is hearing a lot of jokes about PEI potatoes (he is from Toronto). I told him that I had a vision of him in the future. He is at a truck stop in Ontario waiting for a truckload of PEI potatoes to pull in so he can steal it. All his friends are saying: “poor Andre, he used to be so good at this but now all he wants is PEI potatoes”. Then I see Andre out in the woods with the truck hidden and a big smile on his face.
[Janine] and my mother came to visit today. I wasn’t expecting [Janine] to come. Basically they tried to make me feel guilty and sorry for myself and the kids. I am worried but what good does it do me to dwell on it. [Janine] wants me to write a letter to Steven which I suppose I can do. I really feel like a convict talking to them on a phone through the glass, just like in the movies. I guess the people who built this place watch the same prison movies I saw. Hmmm.
We had an AA meeting here tonight. I kind of miss going to AA. Hopefully this will soon be over and everything will be normal, whatever that is.
I didn’t get much writing done today. I’ll get back with it tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.
The thirteen day of my thirteen days here. Unlucky? I think not. It’s Monday, back to routine, I suppose.
I’ve just been asked to clean up my cell. It seems that they think my cell is messy. And, well it is. I have books and magazines and papers scattered all over it. But, I like to think it’s an organized mess. I can find what I need when I need it. But I have cleaned it up, as these are the rules I live by in here. And I’ve done a fine job too. My mother would be proud of me, if she were still alive. And she is. So she should be proud of me if only for the reason that my cell is clean, I’m a model inmate, struggling against the grime within our justice system.
I’m starting to babble so perhaps it’s best that I nap.
One of the guards came in and talked to me and Doug about conditional sentences. It seems unlikely that I will get thrown in here for the rest of my sentence as I didn’t re-offend but ‘merely’ broke one of my conditions, but the situation is complicated so we’ll have to see what happens.
I bought a bale of tobacco for Doug. He is waiting for a money order and he’s no money in his account. I did this because I’m basically a good guy.
The guys are talking about doing break and enter. They call a crowbar, “the key to the city”, it’s hard to buy crowbars and burglary tools here on PEI because of how people here (including salesmen, clerks) like to talk, gossip. One guy said its more work to get the tools than it is to do the job itself. He broke into a sheet metal shop just to get prybars to do his jobs.
I’m now involved in a game of Risk, the game of world domination. At the moment it appears that I am losing (we got some new games today). I am taking a break now to consider strategy, the world shall be mine. Ah ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha.
Here I am, still in Sleepy Hollow. Things are getting routine and its getting harder to write. The … uh …case work supervisor? Came to see me this morning. I had several things to ask him about. First, I wanted to know if they had any programs for drug abuse here. They do but it will have to wait until after I’m sentenced. Second, I asked if Freddy could come out and see me. They said “ok” and then will him for me, and third, I told them about the situation with Dr. Jones. They will consult Addiction Services and see what can be done.
I also spoke to the nurse ... about my medication. I am getting a bit anxious and depressed lately, kind of like I was before I started taking my pills in June. She will give me some Atarax at night and put me on the list to see the doctor.
Doug is thinking about writing a letter to his ex-girlfriend. Doug, it seems, is involved in a love triangle which includes a pregnant ex who still loves her old boyfriend (he’s dead) and a new girlfriend who wants him to move to Toronto. Doug is confused. The situation is complicated. I told him I will be calling Jerry Springer.
We spend the afternoon playing board games (Brenda didn’t show up – says she’ll be here tomorrow). I lost to Andre in Risk and again in Scrabble. But at least it makes the time go by fast.
They gave me fish for dinner. I guess my scam didn’t work after all.
Finally I get the writing paper I’ve been waiting for (they ran out yesterday). Today’s a holiday (Remembrance Day) so again I get to sleep in. This I like.
Today I shaved. We have to ask the guard for a razor (they keep them locked up because they fear we will take the blades out and make weapons or commit suicide). The guard who passed me the razor put on a rubber glove before picking it up. We are not given gloves. I guess that means that he is concerned about catching a disease but it doesn’t matter if one of us does. Moe says the gloves are so we won’t catch the guards diseases. I’ll go with that explanation. It’s also hard to get a good look at yourself in the mirror because the mirror is not your normal glass mirror. It’s a piece of shiny metal bolted to the wall. Things are different in here. I also notice there are no electrical outlets in the cells (and light switches are outside too). Also the light itself is enclosed in a heavy casing, I suppose this is so we will not try to electrocute ourselves. It seems they don’t have much confidence in the inmates willingness to survive this ordeal.
I spoke to Wayne N. on the phone last night. He’s doing OK. He tells me that Freddy offered to let him come to morning group at the house. I think I will talk to Freddy about this option for myself and incorporate it into my plans. I will discuss it wiuth my lawyer if she shows up today.
Chicken legs for supper tonight; I think there is a repeating pattern to these meals. Further investigation is warranted.
My lawyer didn’t show up today so most of the day was spent playing Risk. Twice so far, I have lost. Third time lucky, I hope.
Just another day here, most of it spent playing Risk (secret mission version). I have lost every game so far, but I get enjoyment from just confusing the other guys. I act as a world terrorist, unpredictable. No one understands my strategy. No one understands me. Poor me.
My lawyer didn’t show up again today. I just have to hope for tomorrow, as I don’t want everything left to the last minute (again). Andre got some good news from her yesterday. It seems there is more evidence against him than he thought (he is suspected of burglarizing the Post Office in Morell). He has been asking questions about policies and conditions in Springhill, a Federal Institution in Nova Scotia. He seems to be getting mentally prepared for it. I hope he is found not guilty, but it is out of my control. His trial is in Souris and I may attend if I’m out.
I’ve been unable to make any phone calls today, as it is Thursday. Because Thursday is a visiting day, we cannot make calls, except to a lawyer. Those are the rules and it is not in my power to change them. Acceptance (page 449 of the big book). I would like to talk to Freddy and find out when he will be out to see me.
I have confirmed that there is a regular pattern to the meals here. They go in a two week cycle. Today, we had the same meals as we did on Thursday Oct. 29, the day after I came in. I am making up my own meal schedule so I will know what to expect. From this I will be able to determine how much junk food to order from the canteen. My survival is important. A man cannot live on slop alone.
Friday the 13th. So far, so good. I got up and won the game of Risk that we started last night, with a brilliant (of course) strategy. Proceeded with plans for world domination. Canteen order came. Plenty of tobacco and chocolate bars for the weekend. Everything looks ok, so far.
I’ve heard from the staff ([Supervisor] Thompson) that Freddy will be out to see me, but it may not be this week. Also, I’ve been told that Dr. Jones has been contacted but has still has not decided whether or not to accept a call from me. I shall remain optimistic.
Doug and Andre were telling me about the awful conditions at jails in Ontario (Donwood, Borden, Guelph). Apparently, we have it pretty good here.
Fish for lunch, but I was able to get chicken fingers cause of my ‘allergy’. It seems that they have not yet called Ambrose. He is on vacation for a few weeks so hopefully I will be out of here when he does get back.
Stew for supper, I’d like to say I’m allergic to that shit but I don’t think they would believe me.
There’s a guy in here from Pictou. Apparently, he tried to shoot somebody in Cornwall at the apartment building where Wayne lives. It turns out, he is a friend of Joe Smith, who I went to university (Saint Mary’s) years ago. Small world (but I wouldn’t want to paint it).
The lawyer didn’t show up or return any of my calls today. This is really starting to piss me off. There is so much to be done and I have to discuss plans with her. Now it will have to wait until at least Monday.
We have two guys from Summerside jail in here with us for the weekend. Whenever they have a lot of weekenders (people serving their sentences on weekends, of course) in Summerside, they send some of the straight-timers here for the weekend. It’s ok with me. It makes it a bit more interesting in here if the new guys are alright; it helps the time go buy faster.
We played Risk all day long today. Andre was getting kind of riled up by my Kamchatka terrorist strategy. But I’m really enjoying stirring things up.
“Weiner” was on duty (guard) tonight. I talked to him awhile at the gym. I wanted to call Steven tonight but they wouldn’t let me call long distance on Friday night (these things I learn as go along). Weiner called his wife and asked her to call my mother and explain this to her, which was kind of him, I thought.
All in all it was a peaceful day. Friday the 13th went by without any major problems.
The weekend is here again. I slept in till noon. Then I got up and took a shower. It’s annoying that I have no control over the hot water. I have to get somebody to tell the guard to turn the temperature up or down, and then it’s either too hot or too cold. I can’t get it right. I’m not happy. If I was in charge around here things would be different around here. But I’m not in charge (acceptance – page 449 of the big book).
Hotdogs for lunch as I expected. Meals are going to the schedule I’ve done up. There are some gaps in the schedule but tonight I think it might be chicken burgers.’
We played two games of Risk this afternoon. I won both. I decided to use a slow careful strategy and it paid off. World domination. Infidels.
We had bologna for supper. Hmmmm I wasn’t expecting that. Just when I get it all figured out, I find that I may not have it figured out after all.
I called home after supper and spoke to Steven (asked him to save some Halloween candy for me) and my mother. She’s going to make calls to Freddie, Dr. Jones, and the lawyer. That should help get things moving a bit faster. She also said she’d be in to see me on Thursday.
All in all, not much happened today, but its one day less till I get outta here.
Very quiet day today. Spent most of the day playing Risk. Frankie was supposed to come and see me but didn’t show up.
We had an AA meeting here tonight. I found it kind of boring. It would be better if we (max) could go to the same meeting as the rest of the inmates, but I’m not sure how much I miss going to meetings. Guess I’ll find out when I got out.
Guess I don’t have much to say today … I am reading a book called “Cruel Doubt” by Joe McGinness. It is a true crime book about a kid (heavily into dungeons and dragons … must have a look at that sometime) who has his stepfather murdered and his mother badly beaten. It’s interesting so far.
Now, I will go to bed, hoping to hear from my lawyer and others tomorrow.
It’s Monday again. Another week begins, and, I hope this week brings something good, some progress.
It’s really getting to be a pain in the arse going to breakfast. They wake me up and yell, “breakfast in five minutes”. I’d like to have time to wash my hair, brush my teeth, and have a smoke but every morning it’s a rush to the kitchen for soggy toast.
I finally got to speak with Brenda P. [lawyer] today. She really hasn’t done anything and doesn’t seem to know what to do. I have the feeling that she has not put much time in on my case. I asked her to call Freddy and to call Dr. Jones again to see if they can help out. Surely they would help me out if she would ask them to. I just hope everything isn’t left to the last minute and we don’t go to court unprepared. That’s my biggest fear at the moment.Meals today are the same as they were on Monday two weeks ago. They suck.
I called Freddy this evening and got through finally. I asked him if he can help me set up a plan to stay straight on the outside (anything that looks good to the judge!). He told me he would come out and talk to me on Thursday. I also asked him if he could get in touch with Dr. Jones to see if she would approve any plan which he setup. Now I sit and wait, hoping for the best. My biggest problem will be the prosecutor – asshole is the word I would use to describe him. It will give me great pleasure if he is unsuccessful in his efforts, again.
We played a few games of Risk today but Andre seems to be getting really upset when he loses. I think we may have to put this game away for a few days so that we can retain peace on our unit.
We got a new guy in tonight too, older fellow. He got 3 months for impaired driving. I’m seeing, since I came in here (and before) how closely addiction and criminal behavior are tied together. I think society’s approach to this problem is inappropriate. I think if more money were spent on treating addiction, we would have a lower crime rate. Interesting, as Doug would say. If I were in charge things would be different around here … but I’m not. Acceptance – page 449 of the big book.
As I write this, some of the others are smoking something sort of … illegal. But I choose not to partake. It’s not as much that I’m trying to stay clean (or is it?) but hash is just not my drug of choice.
And while on the topic of drugs, I should mention the new guy in our unit, he is accused of armed robbery at the bus station Friday night. He plans to plead guilty on Thursday and expects to be sentenced to four years. He lives right beside the bus station. He went in with a knife and demanded money. He says that if the clerk had refused he would have slit his throat. This he did cause he needed (wanted) money to get coke. After the robbery, he went to a bar across the street where he was later apprehended. Four years just to get some cocaine. Insanity, I think. I’ve never been so desperate.
This guy was saying that he wouldn’t be afraid to rob a bank or fight someone twice his size. Since he’s been in jail he has yet to call his wife and has refused calls from her. The only thing he is scared of is talking to his wife.
No Risk played today. I guess you could say it was a risk free day. OK.
I used my one phone call to call Wayne but Wayne wasn’t in. Maybe he was at the meeting at Talbot House.
All in all, nothing mucking futch happened. Vinni, viddi, vicci.
Today is, hopefully, the first day of my final week here. As I said, hopefully.
I woke up around five o’clock this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have this reoccurring dream about a treatment centre. It’s not very interesting but it’s strange that it keeps coming back. It’s funny that usually I don’t remember my dreams but when I’m dreaming it’s all so familiar.
I was annoyed at [Janine] when I woke up too. I was going to write her a letter but I decided I won’t take my anger out on her, at this point. But I think it’s time to throw some of the guilt back her way. It’s not my fault alone that we are separated. And I’m not surprised that she hasn’t come to visit me on her own.
Speaking of visits, tomorrow I am expecting my mother, Freddy, and Wayne. And maybe even Brenda too, this should make the day go by quickly.
Sid is going to be sentenced tomorrow for the robbery. His lawyer, or whatever, worked out a deal for four years (the prosecutor would ask for eight to ten if it went to trial). Sid seems to have accepted that he is going to prison. He has been sober for two years, started using coke last week, and tomorrow he goes to prison. I think there’s a message in that.
Today is Thursday and, hopefully, it will be my last Thursday here. I remain optimistic.
I was expecting a visit from Wayne today but I am unable to put his name on the visitors list until tomorrow because my case worker, Lorrie, is not here today and apparently no one but him can change the list for me. Why does such a simple thing have to be so complicated? If I was in charge things would be different around here.
I’ve been told that Freddie will be here to see me at four o’clock. Also, my mother is supposed to come here too. I am not confident that Brenda will show up.
Sid is gone to court, where he will be sentenced to four years. His situation really makes me think about how powerful drugs are and how severe the consequences can be. One week ago he was sitting home in his living room watching t.v. and today he is being sentenced to four years in prison. It’s a real eye opener, as Andre said.
… well we had chicken breasts for supper which was better than usual.
My mother came to visit. She’s kind of worried that I might have to stay here cause they’ll have no where to put me since I am supposed to be, technically, in Talbot House for 12 months. She doesn’t think they’ll let me live on my own but I hope she is wrong.
Freddie was also here to visit me. He says he’ll write a letter to the court saying I’ve behaved myself most of the time but he says that he can only state facts. I was hoping that he could give a statement saying I was doing well and they had planned to release me soon. I just hope that Dr. Jones can add something positive. I am really glad that Freddy is supportive and will still work with me. I’m really a good guy, but nobody understands me. Poor me.
Just another day here. They seem to be getting longer and longer. I gotta get outta this place.
Brenda was at the jail this morning but she only spoke with Andre and then left. It seems that my case is not one of her priorities. I called twice this afternoon and she didn’t return the calls. Our Legal Aid system here is inadequate. They get paid the same rate whether they win or lose (well I suppose most lawyers do). But what I mean is that they just want to take a case and get it dealt with as quickly as possible, so it doesn’t seem to matter whether the case one or lost. It’s easier for them if the client pleads guilty. Then they can move on to the next one.
I’m having trouble sleeping here. For the last week or so I’ve been awake for half the night. I’ve asked for something for anxiety but they won’t give it to me. The health care here is … not great. Although Jennifer is working tonight and it’s always nice to see her. Jennifer and I would make cute babies.
I tried to call Wayne today but he wasn’t home. I was going to ask him to visit me on Sunday. Perhaps he will call anyway and see if he is on my visitors list.
All of here are getting along well, playing Risk and other games. This helps to pass the time. I think I will keep in touch with them all when I get out.
I can’t get to watch South Park tonight. This is rather disappointing to me. I miss staying up with Steven to watch South Park. Hopefully, next week we will be able to do so. Hopefully, everything will turn out ok. I remain optimistic. If I have no hope what have I got?
It’s Saturday, the weekends here and it’s going by fast. I slept all day. Got up at 4:30 for supper (I thought it was five thirty when I got up. I was kinda disappointed). This should be my last Saturday in this place if things go well on Wednesday in court. No plans for today, nothing to do. Six more hours and it’s lockdown.
I talked to my mother, [Janine], and Steven on the phone tonight. They are not at all confident that I’ll be able to live on my own if I am released but I have no other option because I can’t go back to Talbot House. Souris is a possible option but I don’t know if I could handle that. I feel a need to regain my independence. Its’ been ten months now since this all began and I really wish it would end.
I asked my mother to call Wayne N. and tell him he’s on my visitors list for tomorrow. I hope he can make it out to see me. I also asked her to call Pat (Dr. Jones’s friend) and find out what she has to say about me getting treatment as an outpatient.
sunday, bloody, sunday. sabbath, bloody, sabbath. Optimistically, my final Sunday in custody. Time moves forward slowly towards my appearance in court where I hope to be able to make the judge see what a nice guy I really am and win my freedom.
Can’t say that I got a whole lot done today. Of course I didn’t have a whole lot to do anyway so every things ok.
I did a lot of crossword puzzles (Moe had a book of them hidden in his nest). I might be getting addicted to these things.
I went to the AA meeting tonight. It was getting pretty dull and then the guard came in and told me that I had a visitor. Wayne came out to see me. (Jodi was also in the visitors room talking to George). So Wayne stayed about an hour and talked to me. We made plans to meet at Grabba Jabba (we think that the Grabba Jabba girls must be missing us badly) on Wednesday after court, that is, after I get released. Freedom (although still limited). Wayne’s a good lad and I’m glad he came out. We’re hoping to go to Europe together if we can somehow get the money together. That would be mucho fun indeed.
Alls well in our unit here. All the guys are in good humor. We make a good group: Andre, Doug, Moe and I. If nothing else I’ve met some interesting people in here. I’ll probably miss these fellas when I leave this place.
Today I’m preparing for my appearance in court. I’ve written some draft copies of a speech to the judge. Tomorrow I will sort through them and combine the best passages. Words are powerful things. They can be combined in so many different ways to elicit whatever feeling you desire in audience: anger, pity, understanding, humor, etc. I will arrange my words so as to make the judge see things my way hopefully.
I just had a conversation with one of the guys on how to get fake identification. Interestingly, this information would have been useful to me earlier in my life when I was a criminal. Now I’m just a good guy, mildly criminal. No outlaw me.
Everybody here seems to think I will be set loose on Wednesday and I hope their feelings are correct. Me would likee that. It would be such a waste of my life to spend a year in here. I do have something to offer society. I am rehabilitated ok.
I called home tonight and spoke to my father. He didn’t have a whole lot of negative things to say which was new for a change. But he was talking to Pat, who told him that Dr. Jones, apparently, is not going to get involved. That’s disappointing. I guess I’m on my own. These are my circumstances and I must accept them, even if it means I have to spend a year in this dump. But I really hope that doesn’t happen.
So anyway now I go to bed and tomorrow I wake up to what should be my last day here. Assuming all goes well. Hmmm.
Draft letter and passages to the court:
Attention is focused on mistakes I made rather than progress I’ve made. Yes, I did use drugs on 2 occasions in the past 10 months but there are also 300 other days when I didn’t use drugs. It’s those 300 days that I will draw inspiration from to continue a sober lifestyle. This is the longest period of sobriety I’ve had in the past 20 years and I am determined to continue on this path.
I don’t expect to be excused for my action but I hope I can be judged for what I’ve done right as well as, of course, for what I’ve done wrong. I am aware that my behavior has had consequences not only for myself but also for those around me, especially my family.
… I’ve been using drugs for 20 years and I never expected to be cured in …
… I now realize that what I did was wrong and I see that it could (easily) have been prevented.
Learn a new way of living
I’ve made (I have) many friends through treatment and I have a good relationship with addiction services. This is what will help me to remain sober.
I have had some difficulties in treatment. I feel that this is due to the fact that I’ve been ordered to seek treatment and so my motivation is always in question, unfortunately. But I firmly believe that my intentions are good.
I really fucking hope that this is my last day here. It’s not that things are that bad in here but there’s so much I could be doing on the outside.
Leonard came out to see me today, unexpectedly. He suggested that I use my parents house as an address to present to the court and use the services of Souris Detox. I didn’t really want to go to Souris (or not be sentenced to live there) but it seems to be the most feasible option at this point. From there I could work on getting back to Charlottetown or even farther. Leonard is a wise man and always seems to have something useful to say. It’s funny how he showed up today with a solution. He also helped me figure out what to say before I went to court in May. Everything happens for a reason, as Leonard would say.
Brenda finally called this afternoon. I was going to rake her about not putting enough time into this but what good would that do me now. She actually has things worked out well, although she is going to have another lawyer represent me since she has another trial in Souris. She talked to Freddie and he had a lot of good things to say (thanks Freddie). He didn’t give her a letter for the judge as I had hoped but what he told her was all good.
She also got a call from Martin Dorrell. I was very pleased to hear that. I had been a bit embarrassed about the letter I sent him cuz I thought it might have sounded like I was begging. But it all went well.
Today everything just seemed to fall into place.
Draft letter to the court:
Your honor, when I stood before you in June of this year, it was for an offence involving the sale of drugs. I have not returned to this activity and I have no intention of ever doing so.
The reason I am here today is that I have had a slip, a momentary lapse of reason. I took a pill which was not prescribed to me. I realize that I was wrong to do so and that it could have been prevented, unfortunately, that did not happen. I was aware that there would be consequences to such behavior, but at that moment none of that mattered. I was able to justify in my own mind, the need for that pill, despite all the negative consequences for myself and my family. This shows me how powerful this disease is. I will have to be on guard against it for the rest of my life.
I have had some problems in treatment but I believe that my intentions are good, even though sometimes my behavior indicated otherwise. I have been using drugs for 20 years and adjusting to life without them has been difficult for me. I have been in treatment for 10 months now and I have used drugs on 2 occasions. But there have also been about 300 days where I did not use. This is the longest period of sobriety I’ve ever had in my life and it is those 300 days that draw inspiration from to continue this new way of life. I am not yet and never will be cured but I feel that I am making progress.
I take responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be excused for what I’ve done. I hope that I can be judged for what I’ve done right as well, of course, for what I’ve done wrong.
With the support of my family, addiction services, and hopefully the court, I will continue to progress in living a life without drugs.
Things’ didn’t go well for me today. That is why I’m still here writing this (I got a pen from Moe, at least I’m in good company) at breakfast. They took me to court and told me I wasn’t going today. So I called my lawyer and I did have to be there. The staff here fucked up. So they got me to court on time anyway (actually, if I had shut my mouth I could possibly have gotten this thing thrown out as it had to be heard within 30 days and today is the 29th day). The prosecutor (that prick) presented his argument (that I should be locked up) and then we presented outs and I made a statement myself which apparently didn’t help cause the judge revoked my conditional sentences and now I’m servicng two years less a day. My mother and father were there. My mother didn’t take it that well. [Janine] didn’t even show up as I expected (I took her off my visitors list today). I think her problem (my problem) in court was that we didn’t give the judge a case similar to mine to go by. I mean one where someone on a conditional sentence breached it and was given a short jail sentence plus completion of their conditional sentence. But it’s too late for that. I’m fucked now.
So we put in an application for parole. I could be out of here in 2 ½ months on parole to the Talbot House if things work out ok. Although I never wanted to be a parolee. But then who does? If I stayed in here and completed my sentence I would be out in 11 months, no strings attached. But I couldn’t hack it that long (new pen). So it looks like parole is the way to go. I’ll get more details on that tomorrow. The worst part of it is that there is no good time on parole so it will be until my birthday, June 25, in the year 2000. that’s a long time in which I will have to behave myself or at least avoid getting caught. I hope it doesn’t cause problems when I try to get a job. I might go back to selling drugs when this is all over if it does interfere with employment. I guess one way or another things will work out. I could probably sell drugs again because now that I’ve been in jail I have no fear of it anymore. Maybe this is not the place that they should have put me. But I guess the court believed that treatment is hopeless for me so here I am, sitting in my cell writing notes. I think that maybe the best thing that I can do with my time is to write (or work on writing) the book that I’ve always wanted to write. I think my life is an interesting story that needs to be told. I certainly have the time to work on it now. I only hope that I can find the motivation ….
Well, I’m a long timer now, doing my bit here in max. but it really doesn’t feel any different. Plus ca la meine chose. Oui oui oui. Today was a day much like the others before it except this morning I filled out papers for parole and also found out my release date which is Dec. 4, 1999, that is if I stay in and serve my full sentence (with good time taken off). The only benefit to that is that when I got out there would be no probation or parole or any of that shit. It would be over and done with. Vinni viddi vicci (I came, I saw, I conquered). But, if I apply for parole I can get out on day parole on Jan. 25 (or thereabouts. That is a date I calculated myself. I’ll get the official eligibility date soon). In that case I believe that I would have to reside in a place such as Talbot House. Also, I would be on parole till the end of my full sentence which expires on June 25, 2000, my 34th birthday (quite a birthday gift. I think I would get extremely inebriated). Being on parole would be a big pain in the arse and also somewhat of a stigma. But how much time in here can I handle. I’ll have to make a final decision later. Hmmm …
We have a new guy in our unit, Jerry, who seems to be alright. He likes to joke around a bit which is good and tonight he rolled the rest of my tobacco for me which is even better (he was bored). Andre is going to trial tomorrow. It’s his second day of trial and he seems fairly confident that he will win. One way or the other, when he leaves here tomorrow, we won’t be seeing him again. It’ll be different not having him around.. I’ve come to enjoy his company and I especially like getting him ‘’riled up”, aggravated, but in a playful way. If he gets convicted, he’ll be going to the pen (across the puddle) and if he doesn’t, he’ll be going back to Toronto. I have his number so I hope to get in touch with him sometime in the future.
I had no visitors today, but I did get a receipt for 40 bucks that jean dropped off. I don’t know if she asked to see me (probably not) but she’s off my visitors list cuz I’m kinda pissed off at her. Maybe someday we’ll straighten things out but right now I don’t care whether I see her for a while. She’s told me she wouldn’t bring the kids in to see me anyway.
Jennifer is working tonight, bringing me pills like a good nurse should. I’d like to interview her sometime for the book I hope to write. I’m going to get started on that soon. At least I can make an outline and get an idea of whether or not I have enough subject matter to fill a book. I imagine that I can do it if I really want to.
I spoke with the teacher here about using their computers. It is possible although I won’t have much access from max. I would move to medium for more access but I’m comfortable here now with the guys in here so for now, I have no plans of moving. Stay tuned for more details.
So what happened today? Well, I tried to get some more pills out of the nurse for ‘anxiety’, actually so I can sleep more. I’d sleep straight through till spring if it was possible. But she wouldn’t give me anything. She says I should find something to do here in max but she thinks I should move to medium. From there I would have more access to the library and computer room. I could also help the teacher they have since I am fairly well educated. Charity work; something I never considered before. Hmmmm. It’s a possibility.
But I kinda like it where I am here. Because the guys are easy to get along with, sorta fun to be around. I’d like to stay here for another month or so anyway. I’m thinking about changing my schedule so that I stay up all night reading and writing and sleep during the day. That would suit me fine. It would be nice if I could get some kind of writing table in here. I’ll have to ask about that, and presumably get turned down.
Andre beat the rap today. He’s a free man. I haven’t heard any details but hes at Doug house for a couple of days before he goes back to Toronto. I hope we meet again sometime in a different setting.
Jennifer came with pills tonight. I asked her if I could borrow some psychology books to keep myself busy. I’m interested in sociology too. I must find a way to get some books in here. There must be a way. There must be. That’s a short term goal I’ll set for myself.
So I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I’m going to be here for a while. I’ll just have to make the best of it. Hopefully I can get a start on the book idea I’ve had for a while.
I’m feeling kinda bored today; having thought about moving down to medium. The time might go faster if I had something more to do. I suppose there are more opportunities there to fill up the day. If they ask me to move I don’t think I would object. Except to eat, I never leave the unit here on most days. It’s too cold to go outside and there is nowhere else to go. Maybe drugs would help the time go by faster. Hmmm … all in all jail can be a boring place and I don’t recommend it. It’s not hard to live here but it’s a waste of my life – so many missed opportunities.
I called wayne this evening. It’s disappointing that I can’t go out with him for coffee or for a beer. I’ll be very happy when this whole freaking thing is over on june 25, 2000, my 34th birthday. I’m getting extremely drunk and stoned on that day, regardless of what anybody thinks.
The worst thing that may happen as a result of me being jailed is that I may come out of here more determined to make a living selling drugs than I ever was. I have a resentment against the justice system now, so fuck ‘em. When this is over nobody is going to tell me how to live my life … but in the meantime, I must suck up as best I can.
Sunday in Sleepy Hollow and its been a long lonely day. I was expecting a visit from Wayne and perhaps my mother but neither one showed up. How quickly we’re forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes.
Nothing to watch on TV but sports and I’m not interested in sports. I’m getting more and more interested in moving to medium. I’ve heard that there is five empty cells there so maybe tomorrow or some time this week I’ll be on my way. There’s not much to look forward to in here. Right now I’m just waiting for December and I’ll wait for January, and then ….
Some asshole in the next unit is banging on the wall and screaming. I wish he would fuck off. I think it’s Tyler, the village idiot. He belongs in jail but I wish it was some other jail.
I’ll be glad when this whole bullshit jail sentence is over and done with. Why did I have to get into this mess?
This has been the longest day I’ve spent in here so far. I hope ther’s not more like it, although, no doubt, there will be. It’s time, I hope, for now to get transferred to medium so I can find something to keep myself busy, or at least a little bit more busy than I am now, which is not at all busy.
Leonard was here to see me today. I asked him to come and see me whenever he is at (Moes getting a bit annoyed at me because I keep bumming pens from him. Every pen he gives me is almost out of ink) the jail. Leonard comes out every week to talk to inmates who are into AA. He had some good advice on parole. According to him, I may not have to live in a treatment center, when I get out. That would be a relief ‘cause I’m getting kinda frustrated with the kind of atmosphere there is in those places. I find that it’s negative. A lot of the patients are phony but surprisingly, the staff doesn’t seem to see through them. In some ways, being honest holds you back. This reminds me that I should look up some statistics to find out what the success rate is. Hmmmm …. Perhaps I could ask Jennifer for help in this area. Hmmm … research for the book. Yeah.
I went to church here tonight. That was a big mistake. It reminded me of why I don’t go to church. I don’t mind to hear about how Jesus can save my life. If there was such a loving god, I wouldn’t be in this mess … actually the reason I went was to have a look at the girls in the female unit. This is the only place where the max inmates get to mingle with the others. Apparently it’s also a good place for passing drugs, but this was not my interest.
I was getting annoyed with one of the new guys in our unit tonight. So I took a time out card and the feelings passed. Now I’m ok. Actually two of the guys were getting on my nerves. I suppose that’s bound to happen in this place.
Tomorrow I hope I will get more info about parole and when I’ll be moving to medium. I must also find time to write a letter to Martin Jones and thank him. I am not ungrateful for any help and support I receive. I hope that others are aware of this.