… just took a little break.  I went down to ask the other guys if I could include them in my writing.  Each person I meet affects my life and becomes part of my story.  We are made up of our own experiences, are we not?  There are others in my unit.  One seems to be interested, but the others seem to be ok with it (“as long as you tell ‘em how good looking I am!”)  We’ll be spending a lot of time together so it seems logical that we get to know each other.  At the moment, I sit here writing and they are involved in a game of cards.

The canteen here is open on Mon., Wed., and Friday.  Today is Thursday.  The guards here made an exception and let me order some junk food today.  I appreciate this.  It’s nice that we can treat each other with at least some respect.  There are a lot of other institutions where you don’t see that.  They also allowed one of the other guys to order some tobacco, another nice gesture of goodwill toward your fellow man.  I suppose that no matter what our occupations are, when we go home at night, people (we) are all basically the same, here and around the world as well.  (now I must take a break.  I would really like to enjoy a cigarette at this moment, and so I will).

I was speaking with one of my fellow inmates just now (I don’t know his name yet) and he was talking about his friend, Mark S., who lives in Moncton and is a close friend of a female friend of his.  I related that I was in treatment with a guy named Mark who was transferred to a halfway house in Moncton.  Same guy.  Small world isn’t it.  (But I wouldn’t want to paint it!)

All the other guys are gone to the gym now, so I sit here alone working on this (and watching “Class of the Angry Lovers” on Jerry Springer)  Just a few minutes ago, I was in the office talking to my councilor (?), case worker (?) and the nurse about my situation.  It’s quite complicated.

I was sentenced in June of this year to a 2 years less a day conditional sentence for the possession of cocaine for the purpose of trafficking to be served in the community with the final year to be served in Talbot House or Homewood Health Centre (Guelph, Ont) as recommended by Dr. Marjorie Jones.  By using drugs in Talbot House, I was discharged from the house, thus breaching this condition.  Dr. Jones has been out sick for the past 4-5 weeks (I haven’t been able to discuss my experience in Homewood, where I was in September and had some problems which played a part in my drug use last weekend) and I am unable to contact her.  Therefore, I am sent here where I remain in limbo until I appear before the judge next Friday, November 6 for her final decision on the matter.  I also have little confidence in my lawyer (former lawyer?) so I am feeling anxious and uncertain about the situation.  Also, my court supervisor who should have been able to handle this situation yesterday, was out sick as well so the case (from his office) was taken over by one of his co-workers who I have never met before and this is probably unfamiliar with the case.  All I can do now is wait for a call from the Legal Aid lawyer, who is, so far today, out of her office ...

... OK, I’m back again after a several hour break.  You would think that I would be lying around doing nothing but so much has happened.  My lawyer called.  I spoke with her for a few minutes but she will have to get my files and meet with me at the first of the week. At least, I have some hope.

I also spoke on the phone with my probation officer, Gordon Garretty.  I am unsure of what to say when talking to him because I don’t know exactly what his position is, who’s side he is on.  I must remain guarded until I get this figured out.  Strategy must be discussed first with my lawyer.

And I spoke with John back at Talbot House.  I called him to make sure my belongings are collected for my family to pick up.  I have a good relationship with John and having his brother George here on my side can only make things easier for me.

Prisoners are not allowed to make phone calls here on Thursdays and Sundays but somehow I was able to make several calls.  The reason phone calls are not allowed on these days is because these are the days you can have visitors.  But until you’ve been here ten days you can’t have visitors.  So for the first 10 days, I am kind of … fucked.

They have quite an elaborate paperwork system here.  Every time you wish to speak with anyone you have to fill out a request and wait for approval, which may take hours.  I’m surprised that you don’t have to file a request to wipe your arse (but there’s still paper involved).

I forgot to mention supper.  When I talked to John on the phone he told me that they had Chinese food for supper at Talbot House.  Their meals are brought in from the jail here.  Because the maximum unit, which I’m in, is the last to go to the dining room, the food at Talbot is delivered before we even get to eat.  So I know what was for supper tonight a half hour in advance.  Funny.  Hmmm.

I received advice from some “jailhouse lawyers’ over supper.  All are telling me to fight this thing and they have some valid points, one of them being: “if you plead guilty, you’re fucked, but if you plead not guilty and get off, you’re laughing”.  Being the open-minded guy that I am, I will consider any and all advice no matter what the source.

I noticed one of the older guys (George) talking to the nurse a while ago.  I recognized the nurse on duty tonight as being one of the detox staff (she has 2 jobs) who I know fairly well because my mother is also a nurse for addictions.  So I have put in a request to see her, hoping to be able to probe her for information on Dr. Jones.

Tonight at supper, I ate rice for the first time in my life.  I’ve been on this planet for 32 years and I’ve always managed to avoid this seemingly incredible substance.  Actually, it wasn’t all that bad.  Makes me wonder why I ever had such an irrational fear of rice (riceophobia – is that one in the medical books?) … this place may yet drive me foolish.  But AA promised me I would get my sanity back.  What’s up with that?

I did get to see Sharon, the nurse, tonight.  We had a good conversation.  I love talking to people, probing their brains.  I never used to be a very talkative guy.  Hmm.  Makes me wonder.  Her opinion is that the judicial system is higher up the totem pole than the medical system (where does spirituality fit into this equation?).  I find it interesting that everyone has a different perspective on life and I value everyones opinion (well almost – there are always exceptions).

Hmmm.  Suddenly, I encounter writers block.  Must take break – must have cigarettes (my higher power at the moment).

OK, maybe I’ll just close up for the day.  This is my last piece of paper anyway.  I’ll have to fill out another (fucking?) request for more paper.  It may take some time getting used to the strange ways of the correctional system.  But my time would be better spent somewhere else.  Things could get boring in here.  Right now I have the challenge of preparing myself for court, and I like a good challenge.  But after that?  Will I encounter freedom, or sink deep into madness?

So far today I’ve written a letter to the patients at Talbot, a letter to the staff, a letter I intend to present to the court and these eight pages.  Very productive day.  Now the Simpsons are on and I must watch.  Sometimes I think Krusty the Clown is my higher power …

Draft written statement to the Court – Day 2 of Max

Note:  This is a draft, it appears of a statement that he was going to make to the judge.  A few pages into it, he has notes which help him focus on the message that his target audience – the judge – would like to hear.  He notes the following:   judicial point of view, medical, spiritual.  Whether or not the following is true and from the heart is debatable, but he does make a good statement.

Your honor, the reason I stood before you in June of this year was to answer to a charge involving the sale of drugs.  I have not returned to this activity and I am determined never to do so.

What has happened is that I have tested positive for phenol-barbitol.  I would like to describe the circumstances leading up to this event.

In September of this year, I was sent to a 28-day rehab program at Homewood Health Center in Guelph, Ontario.  I went there with great expectations, hoping to learn about this disease and how it affects my behavior.

The person I shared a room with was a heroin addict from Vancouver, only 19 years old.  We got along well and reminded me a lot of myself as I was at an early stager in my addiction.  However, several days into the program, he came back from a walk downtown stoned on heroin.  None of the staff or other patients noticed this but I did.  It brought to the surface cravings and negative feelings in me that I hadn’t seen for months and had thought were no longer part of me.  His behavior continued for several days and then he took off back to Vancouver without telling anyone.  I had asked him to confess to the staff about what he was doing.  He told me he would but kept putting it off and then he was gone.  When I talked to the nurse about this she told me I was wrong for not turning him in, that I was bad.  Meanwhile several other patients had gone home on weekend passes and come back intoxicated.  They were not punished for this as I had been used to seeing here.  Their reasons for using were discussed in group so as to help them and others from doing this again.

I was confused about this because it was a different approach than I have seen here.  I attempted to ask questions about relapse but was told, “it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to relapse, Reg”.  That was not my intention but the response I received led me to lose trust in the staff.  I was afraid to speak in group because I felt that anything I said could be misinterpreted and turned against me.  As a result of this I was sent home from the program after 23 days, incomplete.

A few weeks after I returned to Talbot House, a patient there, who I had become close friends with was discharged for using drugs.  I thought that he needed help but it seemed to me like he was pushed out the door and made to feel like a failure.   Again I was confused and attempted to ask questions about relapse but I was made to feel like there was something wrong with my thinking.  I felt that I couldn’t share my feelings openly and honestly with the staff.  Apparently, the subject of relapse, which I feel is a major part of addiction, is taboo in treatment.  I had cravings and thoughts about drugs which I felt I couldn’t share.  I wanted to get them out but I didn’t know how.  I took a phenobarb pill, which is used in detox to subdue cravings.  I didn’t want to get high, I just wanted these unwelcome feelings to go away.  I knew that it was wrong to take anything not prescribed by a doctor but at that moment, I was able to justify its use.  Despite all the consequences, which I was fully aware of, I could still justify it to myself taking that pill.  That in itself says something about the power of addiction.

I have been using drugs for about 20 years and I never expected that I would be cured in four months.  I firmly believe that my intentions are good even though sometimes my behavior indicates otherwise.

I believe that I have made many positive changes in my life this far.  I have attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings daily for the last six months, mended relationships with family and friends that I thought were beyond repair.  I’ve been involved in forming a narcotics anonymous group in Charlottetown which was needed in the area, and perhaps most important, I have allow my spirituality to develop and grow.

I don’t expect to be excused for my actions.  I seek only understanding and the opportunity to move forward in life… Regardless of how this turns out, nothing that anyone can say or do to me will make me feel like a failure for / because I know in my heart that I am on the right path and one day correct my behavior, keeping in mind that I am only human and none of us is perfect.

I have spent the last nine months of my life in hospitals, detox’s, treatment centres, and now jail.  I have been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings daily during this period.  I was involved in organizing and founding a narcotics anonymous group in Charlottetown in the past few weeks.  I have the support of my family and AA members throughout the island.

I am attempting to pursue a career in journalism and have had some work published in the Guardian.  I am in contact with a journalist (Holland College) for advice and guidance.

I firmly believe that my intentions are good even though sometimes my behavior indicates otherwise.  Each persons acts can be perceived in many different ways (notes on judicial point of view, medical, spirituality) and I think that being in treatment under the direction of the courts biases some peoples views toward my own actions.  But, I believe that anyone who knows my background can see that I have made many positive changes and most important of all to me, spiritual progress, although I accept that I will never attain perfection.

Alcoholics Anonymous teaches us that no man is perfect, we all have our defects of character.  But with the support of one another we can improve the quality of our lives and become productive members of society.  I don’t mean to preach or ramble here, but I feel it is important that I state my opinion at this point.

To focus on the positive, what I have done in the last eight months is to repair relationships with family and friends that I thought impossible to achieve at one point, attend AA meetings daily, take the initiative to start a new Narcotics Anonymous group which I felt was needed.

Your honor, the reason I stood before you in June of this year was to answer a charge involving trafficking in drugs.  I have not returned to this activity and am determined never to do so.

What has happened is that I have had a short relapse.  I can’t fully explain why this happened nor can I fully understand why it happened.  What I know is that I am dealing with a disease that is both cunning and baffling.  I am trying very hard to control / tame it and I feel that I have made great progress.  Feelings of low self esteem, low self confidence, and inferiority that I once had are gone.  Relationships with family and friends that I thought were beyond repair are being dealt with and mended.  But I never expected to be cured in four months.  Much time and effort is required to change 20 years involvement with drugs.  I have been taking steps to.

 

October 30 (Day 3)

Morning again.  I slept well and despite my circumstances I awaken feeling well and content.  I had a good nights sleep.  I realize from the way I feel inside that despite its faults drug treatment has worked for me.  I feel that I am ready to contribute to society (again?).  (who is to say whether I have made a valid contribution in the past.  I believe that I have but something feels different this time.  Some part of me, something good and honest, has surfaced and I greet it like a long lost friend.  We are together again.

Sorry journal, but I must curtail my thoughts for now as breakfast time is quickly approaching.

OK, now I am back from breakfast.  Soggy toast again.  I suspect that the chefs here are not amongst the elite of the profession, not yet at the pinnacle of their careers.  In life, we seek progress, not perfection.  Cereal was available to us, although they were out of Special K, but I won’t let that affect my day.  As one of the inmates (Doug?) said to me, “try not to let the things bother you.  It only makes your time seem longer”.  Good advice and I’ll take it.

At all meals, we are given silverware which must then be collected and counted after the meal by the guard.  At first, this seemed silly to me. Has anyone ever really tried to tunnel their way out of this place with a spoon?  Are the guards watching too many old prison movies?  But the reason they do this is so that nobody can get a piece of silverware out of there and make a weapon out of it.  That could lead to chaos in the unit, even death.

The latest I must overcome is money.  We are not allowed to carry money, for reasons that should be obvious, as we are in a prison setting.  Money is kept in an account for us and is taken out by the staff when we order needed items from the canteen, primarily tobacco.  At present, I have only $10 in my account, the amount I had in my possession when I was admitted.

Had I known I would be going here perhaps I could have robbed a bank and I then I could live like a king, as it was always meant to be.  But someone above must have other plans for me because here I sit with pen and paper and still only $10 in my account.  Things have not improved since I first mentioned the $10.  the situation has not changed.  I still need more money in my account.  The only way to get money in the account is to have family members personally bring it to the jail.  And if and when that happens I will not be allowed any contact with that person.  Also I am only allowed one phone call today (5 calls a week) so that I must sit back and apply some strategy to this situation.  I must decide who I can call, who will be best able to meet my needs.  So much to do, so much to think about.  I think at this moment in time the best approach to this situation would be to take a nap.  No first I will have a cigarette and then I nap.  I must go now anyway as the guard is yelling at me to make my bed.  Even in here, maximum security, we have responsibilities.  Plus ca la meme chose.

At this moment, one of the other inmates, Doug, is having a minor (major?) problem.  He is making up a list of people who can visit (10 family members and one friend, all of whom must be approved by the staff.  More paperwork to be submitted!).  Doug’s problem is that he has a new girlfriend (common law wife?) who has six children.  Doug cannot remember all of their names.  If she knew this, she would be insulted, perhaps hurt, perhaps angry.  If he leaves any of them off the list because he cannot remember their names she would be insulted, perhaps hurt, perhaps angry.  Unless he comes up with a solution I guess you could say that is fucked either way.

Let’s discuss the word “fuck”.  In the world that I live in this is an acceptable word.  I do not consider it offensive.  It has a place in our language, in my vocabulary. This morning I was talking to the guards about how to get money into my account and, realizing and accepting there was nothing I could do at the moment to achieve a higher position of wealth amongst the population here, I said, “so basically, what you’re saying is that at this particular moment in time, I’m fucked”.  She (female guard – and that another subject to be discussed at another time) looked at me, smiled, and said, “yes, well put”.  And at that brief moment, I felt that we were equal, not guard and prisoner, but just two human beings whose paths crossed briefly on our journey through life.  It’s funny how sometimes the smallest things said to one another can change your mood, even change the course of your day in some way which I can’t fully explain.  Also humor is a wonderful tool we can use to get us through times of sadness and despair.  I can’t imagine a world without humor.  I would want no part of it. To me it would be better to not live at all than to live without humor (did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?  He didn’t believe in dogs).

Just went down for a smoke with the guys (how does that Beatles song, A day in the life”, go? Something about ‘had a smoke’ comes to mind).  Robbie O has asked if he has made it into my writing yet.  I will be sure to include him as the days go by.  I hear him making jokes about phenobarb, the drug that got me into this situation.  Thus far, I haven’t said much on the subject and so I feel it is time I explained my situation, as I see it.

Where do I start?  I’ll go down to the common area where the other guys are instead of isolating in my cell (as rooms are called in this place). 

This will probably be the ‘condensed Readers Digest version’, we’ll see as we go along.

I must interrupt myself for a moment.  Had to go down and pick up a change of clothes.  I ran into Alex M. on the way but we are not allowed to socialize in the halls.  He is in another unit so I may never get to speak with him.  He was in Talbot House a few months ago but got drunk and got into a squabble with his girlfriend and got himself taken out to this place (he’s in medium).  2 of the guys from the unit next to ours, George and ?, have decided to?  Requested to?  Been allowed to?  Move into our unit.  I didn’t know we had this option but its ok with me.  Could make things a little more interesting.

So anyway, back to myself.

I’ve been a drug addict for 20 years, since I was 12 years old (now you now my age – 32).  Keeping in mind that this is the condensed version, I’m going to jump ahead to the past year or so.  My addiction (disease) has progressed through the early and mid stages to the late stage where I find myself now.  It has led me to losses of family, friends, employment, and material possessions, as well as to the brink of death whether by suicide or other means.  And lets not forget my spiritual devastation, or my arrest on drug charges.  All were factors that led to my involvement in treatment.

I was brought to the hospital (QEH) on February 2 of this year, after my parents, on a chance / random visit, found me unconscious in my bed and were unable to wake me.  At the time, I would have preferred that they left me to die.  Death seemed, in my twisted thinking, to be the only answer to my problems.  But it was not to be.  A week was spent in Ward 9 where I was taken off the drugs which led to my despair – cocaine, heroin, alcohol, valium, seconal, methadone, morphine, dilaudid, Demerol, codeine, percocet, fiorinal, xanax, secat, halidid, and all the others that don’t come to mind at the moment.

Seven miserable days spent there and then I was sent to the detox in Ch’town, where I spent 14 miserable days.  I felt unable to deal with the pain and suffering I was going through and escaped from this place on two occasions, only to be taken back by police or family on both occasions (many stories to tell but remember – condensed version).  Following this I was sent to Souris detox for 10 days (miserable, of course), where I was able to retain my sanity only (mostly) with the support and companionship of fellow patients, especially Anne T. who plays a large part in my story (sorry – condensed version). 

Souris is my hometown, the place of my birth, where my life was shaped (?).  At the time of my story in Souris my mother and father were in San Francisco visiting my brother Mike (oldest of 3), an engineer (I fill the position of black sheep within the family).  My mother is a nurse at Souris Detox so I was only allowed to be there because she is on vacation, otherwise it would be a conflict of interest, unfortunately.  My parents live on the same street as the detox and I was able to see the house from my room there, which also made my stay difficult.  Adding to this I had recently separated from my wife and 2 children, Steven, 10, and [Valerie], 1, who was born during my stay in detox the previous year.  I think we may be the textbook dysfunctional family.

With the help of my family doctor, Ambrose Kennedy, a childhood friend who has recently returned to Souris after a 20 year absence spent in Ireland. Ambrose, his brother Gerard, a very good friend of mine in my childhood, lived just down the street from us but moved (back) to Cork, Ireland when I was 8 years old.

When my parents returned from SF, I was released from Detox to stay in their home.  My most prominent memory of this month spent there is the shotgun which I gazed at every night before I went to bed and every morning when I work, contemplating a way out of my misery.  Severely depressed, and feeling that I just could [not?] handle life at the time I asked to be committed to some sort of treatment facility.  This turned out to be Lonewater Farm in (outside of) St. John, New Brunswick.  I went there on March 29 still miserable and unhappy.  I had expected it to be a serious treatment facility but mostly it was just a ‘warehouse’ for winos from St. John wanting to get off the streets for a while.  3 meals a day and a roof over their heads, and, of course, a welfare check.  My stay there, sick as I was, was made easier by several guys from P.E.I. who I met and befriended there:  Kevin M. from Montague, Brian I. from Ch’town, and Trevor T. from Ch’Town.  All of these guys are involved in my story – condensed version. 

Brian and Trevor later came to stay at Talbot House with me.  After 6 weeks at Lonewater, I went in to St. John on a routine trip, and went straight to a bar.  I hadn’t planned this; I just felt drawn there (fate? destiny?).  Of course, I had several beer which led to my expulsion from Lonewater, and my return to P.E.I.  After getting kicked out of there I realized that being sober for six weeks hadn’t been that bad and I became determined to continue to explore this lifestyle choice.  I should also mention that I went on a 2 day cocaine binge when I got to Souris which also helped me to come to the realization that I didn’t want that way of life anymore.  This also taught me that some positive can come out of a relapse and we need not always focus on the negative, as is usually the case, especially within the justice system.

After several days in Souris I contacted Dr. Jones, who has dealt with me for several years in her capacity as an addictions specialist, and asked her to refer me to Talbot House.  Talbot was then under the supervision of Inez T., who is now on a leave of absence to attend UNB Fredericton where she is studying for her Masters Degree in Psychology.  Irene is a stern but caring lady, sort of a motherly type.  She interviewed me and accepted me into the house.  Several weeks later she told me that she was unsure whether to accept me or not (she has a background in corrections and I have long been involved in criminal behavior.  She was dubious of my sincerity and motivation as I had pending legal issues).  She told me that what swayed her in my favor was that she saw a part of me, a small part inside my soul, that wanted something more out of life and she thought that part needed to be nourished and nurtured and allowed to grow.  This, I believe, is the essence of my spirituality.

Now, the legal issues.  I had been charged with possession of cocaine (20 grams) with intent to traffic in May of the previous year, 1997.  I’ll admit that motivation to be involved with this activity was greed in the past but by this point it had become an addiction problem.  I had a massive appetite for drugs, fueled by addiction, which could only be fed by the sale of drugs.  (let’s say $200 - $1000+ per day spent on drugs.  I was barely human, going through life like a zombie.) Throughout this period (’92-’98) I also owned and operated a small business, Days of Wine and Beer, selling brewing supplies.  I was able to operate this quite well until brought to my knees by drugs.

I’m going to skip a lot of background issues here and go straight to court.  The prosecutor felt that what I had been involved in was serious enough to warrant 3-5 years incarceration.  My lawyer, John Davis, was able to convince him to ask for 2 years less a day, the maximum that can be served in Provincial Jail, anything above that moves up to the Federal system.  My lawyer informed me that there had recently been an amendment to the Criminal Code allowing sentences less than 2 years to be conditional, which means served in the community with certain conditions.  He didn’t seem too confident that such a sentence would be imposed on myself as my crime was serious, especially by P.E.I. standards.   However, I approached Dr. Jones and asked her to write a letter to the court stating her medical opinion and the need for treatment.  I also asked Inez T. at Talbot, and my councilor there, Freddy A., to write a letter describing what progress I had made up to that point.  Both of these letters were presented to the court.  After a considerable amount of time, which seemed like an eternity to me, the judge returned from his deliberation and ruled in favor of a conditional sentence.  I can’t express in words the feeling I had at that moment, but I’m glad that my wife and parents were there to share it with me.

So I returned to Talbot House and life went on pretty much as it had during the past few weeks.  Several months passed and I made much progress with my illness. One of the conditions of my sentence was that I attend a treatment program at Homewood Health Centre in Guelph, Ont.  This was arranged to begin on Sept. 2.

I arrived at Homewood with high expectations but I was only there for a short while before things went wrong for me. My roommate was a heroin addict, from Vancouver, only 19 years old (Steve).  He and I got along great. He reminded me much of myself when I was younger, not taking life too seriously and perhaps too smart for his own good.

After a few days there, he came back from a walk downtown stoned on heroin.  None of the staff or other patients knew, but I did.  This went on daily for about a week before he was called in for a random urine test.  The next morning, I came back from my morning session and he was gone.  He took off for Vancouver without telling anyone.  All the while he was using I was really confused.  Negative feelings and thoughts of deviant behavior which I thought had left me over the past few months were again brought to the surface.  When I tried to talk about these feelings and behavior in group I was made to feel that the way I thought was wrong.  When Steve was using I talked to him and asked him to confess to his group.  He said he would but kept putting it off and then he was gone.  When I told the nurse that I knew he was using she made me feel like I was bad and wrong for not turning him in.  Meanwhile other patients were going home for the weekend and coming back drunk or stoned.  These people were not kicked out.  Their reasons for using were being dealt with in group.  They were not punished.  This created great confusion in my mind because it was totally different from what I saw in treatment in P.E.I.  but again when I brought up the subject of relapse I was told that I shouldn’t even be talking about such a thing.  I just couldn’t understand how to get along, what they wanted from me and this eventually led to an early discharge from the program.  I was also continually being questioned and analyzed about my motivation, as I was technically there under the courts direction.  This to me was a hurdle I could not overcome.

I returned to Talbot House but found that I had lost the sense of trust that I once had in the staff due to the way I was treated in Homewood.  Another patient in Talbot, who I had become close friends with, was found to be using was quickly put out of the house before I even knew what happened.  I tried to talk about my feelings on this in group but again I was made to feel that there was something wrong with my thinking.  Relapse is a major part of addiction but it seems like the subject is taboo in treatment centres (and I feel this has something to do with their low success rate).

Thoughts of using and cravings built up inside of me and I couldn’t release them because I felt that I couldn’t openly and honestly with the staff (there was one staff member, Jim G., who I was getting to know, whom I felt might be able to talk to but I was unsure I would make him uncomfortable by talking about this subject.  I didn’t want to be pushed away again).

Eventually on Fri. Oct 23 something inside me snapped and I took a phenobarb pill (this is what they use in detox to subdue cravings).  I did not take it to get high.  If I wanted to get high I would have taken cocaine or morphine, both of which are easily available on the street.  I just wanted these fucking negative feelings to go away.  I don’t know if they’ll ever go away but I don’t want them anymore.  I just want to think like a normal person, whatever that is.  I hope someday I’ll find out.

On Wednesday morning we were supposed to have our group meeting at 8:30 am.  The staff came in and told us they had something urgent to deal with.  Shortly afterward an RCMP car pulled up in front of the house and two officers walked into the office.  I was then called in.  Wayne C. waved a piece of paper in my face and said, “I have the results of your urine test.  You tested positive for barbiturates and are discharged from the house”.  Then I was handcuffed and taken away and now I sit writing my story, hoping everything will work out some day.

I just had a meeting with staff psychiatrist? Social worker? Earlier today, I passed some letters to be mailed.  All of my mail has to be screened by the staff.  It seems they had some concerns about ‘questionable content’ in one of my letters.  I wrote to Wayne C. at Talbot and made a comment that ‘soon all will be under my control, will proceed with plans for world domination’, written in the context that I was here as a secret agent. It’s an inside joke between Wayne and I but when the staff read it they questioned my sanity.  I find this quite amusing.  Fortunately, I was able to convince them that I am, indeed sane and now everything will be ok.  I now realize that I will have to sprinkle a few jokes throughout my ramblings to keep the guards amused, as all outgoing mail will be screened.  Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Lunch today was another obstacle for me.  They had fish and I don’t eat fish (curiously, my father is a fisherman).  So apparently, I have to fill out a request to talk to the nurse who will then talk to the cook who will then, hopefully, cook something not containing fish or any fish by-products for me (more fucking paperwork).  Chain of command thing, I suppose.  Fortunately, I was able to trade my fish for some of the other inmates jello (effective functioning of the barter system).  There are also crackers available to all, no paperwork required.

We were allowed outside for an hour this afternoon.  I had envisioned us all spread out across the grounds on our hands and knees picking magic mushrooms.  But the reality was different.  We were in a 30’ x 30’ caged area smoking cigarettes just like we do inside, only it’s colder out there.  I may choose to pass on this activity tomorrow.

If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?  (that was just thrown in to keep the guards amused) from now on I will try to use the symbol G [with a circle around it] to denote a joke for the guards.

… encountering mental block … must smoke …

I just spoke with my mother and Ambrose, the doctor, on the phone (about placing the call – I asked the guard to make the call for me, as we don’t have access to the phones.  The call had to be routed through the main switchboard (even the simplest things are made complicated here).  After waiting 15 minutes I said to the guys, “watch this, as soon as I light this cigarette the phone will ring (Murphys Law)” as soon as I lit my cigarette the phone rang and everyone burst out in laughter).

Anyway it seems to me that I am the only one who has any confidence that I will get through this ordeal unscathed.  Despite this, I will hold on to my positive thoughts and hope for the best.  God grant me to accept the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.  G [Guard joke] do you think a world without bears would be unbearable?

I just noticed a piece of paper on the desk which the guys have been writing their different interpretations of what the letters RCMP stand for:  real classless major pricks, rectal checking maggot pharmers, regular cocksucking mother phuckers, royal clap-infested mother-fucking pigs, returning cockbreath mindless pukes, real clueless mindless potatoheads, rough cunts molesting pigs.  Interesting how we keep ourselves amused in Sleepy Hollow – Minimum Security. 

Tonight I tried to talk to the nurse, Sherri, about my diet but she wouldn’t discuss it.  She says I must talk to the head nurse on Monday, 3 days from now.  How will I ever grow up and be big and strong if I can’t eat the food here.  A man can’t live on crackers alone (one of the guys shared his crackers with me, obviously sympathetic to my plight).  So tonight I go to bed hungry, hoping there will be something good to eat tomorrow.  Sometimes it’s just no fun being in jail.

 

October 31 (Day 4)

Again I awaken feeling well rested, feeling good.  Today is Saturday and we are allowed to sleep in (and we don’t have to put a request to do so).  The extra time to sleep is much appreciated, makes me feel a little more relaxed.  All in all, I am surprised, shaken even, that I find it so easy to ‘do time’ here.  One of the promises of AA is that “we will intuitively know how to handle situations used to baffle us”, and I believe that this has come true to me.  This is my second visit to Sleepy Hollow.  The first was a 15 day sentence for leaving the scene of an accident, which I served in 1992.  At that time, I was in minimum security and I was depressed and miserable the whole time I was here.  Except for meals, I spent all of my time in my cell reading (even to this day, whenever I see a Readers Digest or National Geographic magazine, I am reminded of this place).  I am reminded of this place).  I kept to myself and did not talk to anyone while I was here.

Something that is bothering me, after speaking with my mother last night, is how little confidence my family has here in my ability to deal with this situation.  I remain confident that when I have my day in court, this place will be in my past (later, I will discuss my courtroom strategy).  The impression I get from my mother is that everyone is disappointed and feels that the situation is hopeless.  Nothing is hopeless and I aim to prove that to all concerned.

The first thing I did this morning was have a shower, which is not as straightforward as you would think.  There is only one knob in the shower; cold.  To get hot water you must first turn on the shower and then go to the guard and ask him to turn on the hot water.  Why this is, I have no understanding.  As I said before, even the simplest things are made complicated in here.

Now I shall take a break.  I have asked Robbie to roll a cigarette for me, as I am just not much good at that, having spent most of my life in a world with ‘tailor made’ cigarettes, which are rarely seen in places like this, and highly coveted.

I just returned from lunch today.  Today we eat like kings.  Hot dogs and French fries.  I never thought I could enjoy such a meal so much.  But this is life in jail.  There is a sort of hierarchy within the population here where certain inmates have places in the dining room where only they can sit and this must be respected by other inmates (if not I suspect they incur a beating).  My position is still somewhat open although I have been invited to sit at the table next to the ‘main’ table so usually I choose to take this place.  Although I don’t feel I have a big ego I do take some pride in the fact that I am accepted by the other inmates. Within the hierarchy con artists, bank robbers or generally criminals who are very clever take the highest positions; drug offenders are somewhere in the high middle; and sex offenders are at the very bottom.  Sex offenders often have to be separated from the general population as their presence brings forth anger and hostility from other inmates.

Respect for one another is a big issue amongst the inmates, although, from what I’m told, it is not carried out as far here as it is in many other institutions, especially in Ontario.  One of the inmates here, Doug, did some time in a jail in Hamilton.  He tells me that in that place inmates must be totally quiet until noon (this is not a regulation of the institution, it is a code of ethics among the inmates).  Even if you use the toilet during the night you must not flush it ‘till noon (or else a beating).  The TV must not be turned on, conversation must be in whisper.  He told me of one incident where two men (one black, one white) were waiting to take a shower.  Each had their towel on a certain hook outside the shower.  Actually both had their towels on a hook, the white man knew which hook was his and the black man, a new guy, didn’t realize he had to use a certain hook.  The black man took his shower and after drying himself off put his towel back on a hook, which was another inmates hook.  The white man called the black guy a goof, which is the worst insult one inmate can make to another.  The black man shrugged it off, not realizing what it meant to be called a goof.  Then one of the other inmates said to him, “that guy called you a goof.  You have to do something about that”.  Again the black guy shrugged it off.  A short time later several of the other inmates jumped him and gave him a severe beating, just because he had not stood up for himself.  That’s how life is on the inside.  So far I have not seen any examples of one inmate violating anothers respect although there is some concern and hostile feelings toward a suspected sex offender in another unit.

I am incurring some good natured ribbing from the guys for being in here for taking phenobarb, as it is not a drug used to get high, although it is a prescription drug used in drug treatment.  How do I get myself in these situations?

 

November 1 (Day 5)

I awoke this morning feeling shaken and uneasy due to a dream (nightmare?) I had during the night.  I chose not to get up and begin writing at the time, hoping these feelings would pass with a few more hours sleep (also I am low on tobacco and the best way I know to conserve tobacco is to sleep).  I was correct and the feelings would pass and so now I shall relate the dream to you.  The dream ties in with another one that I had several nights before but had forgotten so I shall describe the first dream … first.

In the first dream I was living at home with my parents.  My brothers were also there so this would be at least 15 years ago.  A package had arrived in the mail addressed to me.  It was from my cousin in Montreal (who was murdered in 1993 – drug related, but I still don’t know the details).  The package contained two bags each containing a different variety of hashish, 2 bags each containing cocaine from different countries in south America, and one bag containing ¼ gram of heroin, which was yellow in color (which is unusual).  The only thing of interest to me was the heroin.  I dumped out the bag, got a needle, and began to prepare a fix.  Then my mother came into the room, grabbed the heroin and went to hide it somewhere.  That’s basically what I remember of the first dream.

In the second dream, I was in a group meeting at Talbot House but it was in a different room than the one we usually meet in.  In fact, the whole house was different.  One of the councilors, Wade M., jumped up and grabbed me, yelling that I was the son of satan.  He was holding the lid of a jar one of the patients had given him.  It had 3 holes punched in it and beside each one of them was a number 6 (666, the number of the beast, in the bible).  I had some sort of medallion in my pocket with 666 on it and it seemed that everyone was aware that I had it.  I felt like I had been exposed, that my secret was out.  I tried to laugh it off but inside I was trembling.  I also feared that they would point out that my date of birth is in the sixth month of 1966. 

In the second part of this dream I was at home with my parents (again 15 years in the past).  My mother was sleeping on the couch and my father was not at home.  I was trying to find the bag of heroin that she had hidden.  I went to the bathroom to check out the medicine cabinet.  When I came out there was a note on my mothers bedroom door saying that she had gone to work.  I opened the door, thinking the room to be empty, but I heard some noise.  My father was in the corner talking to someone but there was nobody there.  Then he looked at me and I felt scared like I had been caught doing something bad.  All of a sudden there was a noise from the attic like someone walking.  We went up to the attic.  My father went in first and I was behind him holding a flashlight.  I shined the light on the floor and there was a huge pile of fresh shit.  Then I saw something moving along the wall.  It was some sort of black dog like beast, about 6 feet long with many snarling heads and some sort of monkey like creature growing out of its back.  It lunged at my father and the next thing I remember I was out in the yard screaming.  Then I woke up.

What do our dreams mean?  I had no recollection of the previous dream but it was very clear to me during this dream.

When I woke up I felt scared.  I am locked up in my cell at night.  The cell is about 8’ x 10’.  The light switch is outside the cell where only the guards can access it.  It was very dark and I felt closed in.  I felt like there was an evil presence in the room.  I wondered if I was evil or if it had been left here by a previous inmate.  I am not a religious man but I began to pray.  I attempted to say the “Our Father” but I could not remember the words (I have been to well over 100 AA Meetings in the last 6 months and they all close with this prayer but still I could not remember the words).  O put my back to the wall so I could see the entire room and recited the serenity prayer until I fell asleep.

The latest dilemma(?) unfolding here is the sex offender in the next unit.  Sex offenders are despised by other inmates.  I’ve been told that in other institutions you would be shanked (stabbed) just for talking to one (“you might as well just stab yourself”).  Usually they are separated from the other inmates for their own safety so it is unusual that they have put one in with us.  There is a good deal of concern and anger amongst the inmates although I can discuss anything I have heard because this will probably be read by the guards before I leave (G – joke for guard symbol) can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his wooden leg and counting the rings?

Today is going to be a long day.  I have run out of tobacco.  The other guys will give me cigarettes but it makes me uncomfortable to ask (fear of rejection, loss of control?)  I had made arrangements for Doug’s girlfriend to pick up my welfare check at Talbot House but they wouldn’t give it to here when she went to pick it up.  So it’s hard to get anything done from here.  I will have no money for cigarettes when the canteen opens tomorrow and may have to rely on charity until Wednesday (fuck!).

This afternoon I was allowed to go to the gym for an hour where I had a couple games of snooker (1 win, 1 loss), it was rather enjoyable and quickly killed an hour.

 

November 2 (Day 6)

I slept in this morning and had to run to the kitchen for breakfast.  I’m told that if you miss a meal you get thrown in the ‘hole’ (the dreaded hole – isolation, no smoking).  This morning we had pancakes (actually one pancake – as if it were normal to have only one pancake!).

We had a bunch of inmates from Summerside jail here for the weekend and now they have gone back – things are returning to ‘normal’. There is much discontent among the inmates about the ‘rapehound’ (sex offender).  If he is not moved out by the staff it looks like he will be getting a beating.

All of us are out of tobacco (except one guy who hides in his room and smokes – the uglier side of human nature comes out in situations like this).  We pick through the ashtrays and look for butts we can get a bit of tobacco from and re-roll it.   Times are tough here in max.  More tobacco will be coming from the canteen at 11:00.  I have no money yet one of the guys, Richie, has promised to buy me a bale of tobacco, to be repaid when I get money (a kind gesture from a man I met only 3 days ago).

Today I hope to be talking to my lawyer and possibly the journalist at Holland College. 

Aha! The guard just called me and told me my cheque has arrived (from my mother – she’s always there for me).  Now I am able to get tobacco and junk food.  Today will be a good day after all.  It’s nice to know there’s someone there who cares.  Now I feel a bit of guilt and will (should) call home sometime this week (I had decided I was not going to, since I had the feeling my parents were not very supportive this time.  Nobody understands me.  Poor me.). Now I must put down my pencil as all my instincts tell me that this situation calls for a nap.

The tobacco just came in from the canteen.  Yahoo.  I feel like an addict who just got his fix.  I’m going to sit here and smoke till I turn blue.

Jerry Springer is coming on TV now.  It’s very popular in here. The guys have been in scandal withdrawal since Friday.  Today its “I stole my moms man”.

I got a call from my lawyer.  She didn’t seem very optimistic but she hasn’t seen the files yet and has only heard the prosecutors point of view.  The situation doesn’t look that good. I hope I can defend myself adequately, else[?] I sit here till the year 2000.  nobody understands me.  Poor me.

I was hoping that Leonard MacPhee would come out to see me but there’s been no sign of him.  There was no AA meeting last night either.  I was looking forward to that.

I’m reading this book called “Hovels”[?] by Edward Heath.  It’s interesting.  The other guys watch TV all day long and I’m just not into it.

I really haven’t done much writing today.  I’m a bit depressed I guess.  I’m getting the feeling court on Friday will be postponed until Dr. Jones’s return.  (actually I did write a 6 page letter to [Guard 3]).  Tomorrow I will write to Dr. Jones.  I was hoping to get her address from Leonard but I guess I’m on my own again.  And one final note cuz I find this amusing.  I called the guard over and I asked him if I could make a phon call.  He says “too late, it’s after 10”, so I said, “but I never got to make a call today” and he says, “where were ya?” !!!  where the fuck else would I be, gone to the mall?  I’m locked up here all day long.  Ah, this foolish place.

 

November 3 (Day 7)

Today begins much like any other day in here.  I get up just in time to rush to the kitchen for breakfast.  The food here is … uh … one notch above terrible.  Basically it sucks.  I don’t like it.  I’m not happy.  Poor me.  Nobody understands me.  Later today I will be meeting with the nurse to discuss my dietary needs.  I may have invented a new prison scam.  I am going to portray myself as a man allergic to fish.  I don’t like fish.  Hopefully my efforts will not be in vain.  Then there’s pork.  I don’t like pork.  I think my approach will be to say it is against my religion to eat pork.  I must put my mind to work and come up with a name for this religion.  If that fails I will insist that I can’t eat pigs because I have watched the movie, ‘Babe’ several times and my kids would be very disappointed in me if they knew I was eating that pig.

I was talking to Doug this morning about conditional sentences.  He is in here because he breached his twice.  On his first breach he received a 15 day sentence, so I hope for the same.

Leonard showed up this morning and we spoke for a while.  Leonard is a wise and spiritual man and it was good to see him.  I was telling him about how quickly I got taken away from the house [Talbot] and I suggested that the staff had wanted me out.  He told me not to be so quick to jump to conclusions.  As it turns out he was right.  I called Wayne C. afterward and discussed this.  There was no malicious intent on Wayne’s part.  Sometimes I have a little difficult understanding Wayne.  I believe he is a good man but I ma inherently suspicious of those in authority.  I suppose this has to with the corruption and security involved in living the lifestyle I did all those years.  So I was correct in my assessment of Wayne, as I had hoped.  He is on my side.  Now I must connect with Dr. Jones and find out whether she is onside as well.

I’m having difficulty getting anything accomplished this afternoon, with the exception of a good nap.  The nurse was supposed to come and see me but didn’t show up.  My lawyer was supposed to call me but didn’t. and then there was no answer at Dr. Joness office.  Where do I go from here?  Ah … back to sleep.  When in doubt, sleep.

Well, I got to see the nurse just before supper.  It seemed like she didn’t believe my story about allergy and religious beliefs.  Hmmm … it was a valiant effort on my part thought, I believe.  She also advised me not to contact Dr. Jones directly but instead go through the lawyer, if she ever gets back to me.

The other guys are watching WWF Wrestling.  I don’t understand how anybody can watch that choreographed garbage.  That’s my opinion.  So, as an alternative, I will try to sleep.

 

November 4 (Day 8)

Well … I’ve been here for a week and I’m still not sure if I’m having fun yet.  Actually it hasn’t been anywhere near as bad in here as I had expected.  We do manage to keep ourselves amused.  Although I’m finding it a bit harder to come up with things to write about, as life is becoming somewhat routine.

Last night I got Wayne N.’s phone number (from George who got it from John who …).  So tonight I will be giving him a call.  We’ve become close friends in treatment and I look forward to speaking with him.

I had the guard call my lawyer this morning (all the calls have to be placed by the guards.  That’s another rule.  No paper work involved though … surprisingly). She (lawyer) was not in.  Her secretary said that she is in Supreme Court for the next few days.  So I left a message to call me as I understand, and hope, that she will be representing me on Friday.  I’m thinking that she is thinking that because Dr. Jones is out (she is unaware the doctor is back). There is nothing that can be done on Friday except further remand (which will probably happen), and so she feels it is not urgent that she contact me.  All I can do is sit her now and wait for her reply.  I feel that the best I can do in this situation is to take a nap.

… there was a moment of great joy amongst the inmates which quickly turned to disappointment for reasons I can’t disclose from inside (there is much potential from these notes).  Its funny how sometimes just the events of one moment can trigger something in the mind which will allow me to write extensively).

Now I wait for the arrival of the nurse (bringing regular medication) so I can begin the nap I mentioned a few lines back.

At the moment Doug is outside mopping the unit.  I’m staying here in my cell so I don’t get my socks wet.  We are in charge of keeping our own unit clean.  Speaking for myself, I would not care if we lived like pigs, being the man that I is (newfie-ism).  Actually pigs are very clean animals and I like them (Babe) but unfortunately, society views them as a filthy animal.  All my sympathy goes out to the noble pig, who seeks only peace for the world and happiness for his pig family, but ultimately ends up on our plates, just another link in the food chain.  Ah, the poor pig, nobody understands him.

Another amusing incident to report.  I just went for a clothes change.  We have to turn in our dirty clothes and then go to the counter at the laundry room, call out our assigned number (I-99) and receive a clean set of clothes.  When asked for my number I called out ‘double O seven”.  We all had a good laugh over this.  Maybe you had to be there.  But anyway it’s the humor that keeps us together.  I can’t imagine a world without humor.  I wouldn’t want any part of it.

All the guys are watching womens aerobics on TV, as they usually do every morning.  I can’t believe that these shows are really made for women.  Also, there must be a large audience of unemployed men sitting at home for shows like this to ever be conceived.

I have just written a letter to the editor regarding a story in Wednesdays paper (Nov. 4) in which the city seeks a ban on smoking in public.  I’m tired of being made to feel like an outcast.

Dear editor. 

Is the city going a bit too far with the smoking issue (page 1 – Wednesdays paper)?  I smoke.  I enjoy smoking.  I don’t smoke to injure other peoples health.  I just enjoy it.

Look what has happened to the Food Fair at Confederation Court Mall since its smoking ban came into effect.  The area is void of customers, smokers and non-smokers alike, throughout most of the day.  It was once the social center of the downtown core.  Now it is virtually abandoned.

Surely we can apply some reasoning, some logic, to the situation.  Hopefully a suitable compromise can be reached, allowing both smokers and non-smokers to live in harmony.

P.S.  Please don’t print Sleepy Hollow as my address.  I don’t belong here. I’m innocent.  You gotta believe me.

Because I smoke, so I shall let my feelings be known.  Somebody has to speak out.  Why not me?

I just sent a letter to [Janine] to apologize for the first letter I sent her which was kind of harsh.  Like I said to her, I’m kinda frustrated about the situation I’m in but I shouldn’t take my anger out on her.  So I guess you could say I’m seeking amends (one of those steps in AA).  So I have learned something from AA, something spiritual.  So I am making progress.  Indeed I is.  But I still haven’t been able to take my nap yet today.  Again I’m waiting for the nurse (who all but me seem to dislike.  Hmmm … treat people with respect and they’ll treat you with respect) to bring the meds (medication).  Who would think I would be so busy in here.  Hmmm.

I may not even get my nap in now cause at 2:00 we go outside, weather permitting, or to the gym if weather is … not permitting.  So we’ll just have to sit back, assess the situation, and see what happens.  Then we’ll make a plan of action try to implement it.  That’s how its gonna be.  Yeah ….

Robbie G. has just been told they are moving him to Summerside jail, which is kind of disappointing.  You just get to know someone and then he’s gone.  Plus ca la meme chose.  I think I speak for all of us when I say that I don’t want to see him go.  I’ve told him that I will make sure that he is included in my book.

Robbie is gone now and for a short time there were just three of us but another guy, a replacement perhaps, has been moved in from medium.  It seems he failed some piss tests so they’ve decided he belongs here in max with the hard core criminal elite.  Always room for one more, they say.

I was just speaking with Wayne R., my partner in outlawed rehab activities, on the phone.  You see, Wayne also tested positive for phenobarb and was thrown out of the home after me.  Fortunately for him, the consequences were not as severe.  I could write for hours about things Wayne and I have done.

I got to the library this evening to pick up some books.  It’s not much of a library, but I was able to find some books and magazines (Time and Atlantic Insight – haven’t seen that in a long time) to keep me busy.  I’m not interested in fiction.  I like history, geography, adventure, travel, true crime.

 

November 5 (Day 9)

Today is the ninth of my originally scheduled ten days here.  Hopefully, but not likely, it will be my last.  I await the arrival of my lawyer for her opinion.

My approach to this situation, tomorrow in court, would be to meet with Dr. Jones and discuss what happened both here and at Homewood, and have her speak in court or write a letter to the court.  That is unlikely to happen tomorrow as there is not much time left.  I would also hope that a staff member from the house, possibly Freddie, could write a letter describing the progress I have made in treatment.  I would also like to have a letter from Martin Darrell stating that he sees promise in my writing (though I’m worried that I may have sounded desperate when I wrote him).

At this point it seems very unlikely that all of this could possibly come together by tomorrow.  Perhaps if my lawyer had come to see me sooner (I have been calling her since last Wednesday) it could have been arranged.  The most likely option is that it will be adjourned to a later date, hopefully within two weeks, and I will be remanded till then, probably in custody here.  I wish I had at least been able to discuss the possibility of being released to my parents custody until sentencing.  Actually, I don’t really want to stay with my parents but that’s the only option if I were released.  I would like to be able to see my kids in Souris but the idea of living with my father makes me uncomfortable.  He seems to be continually analyzing and judging me, not for what I am doing right but for what I am doing wrong.  That’s how its always been and I suspect it will never change.

Today has been a really slow day, most of it spent waiting for the lawyer, who never arrived.  She did call around 5:00 so we will meet at the courthouse tomorrow morning.  She was talking to Dr. Jones who says that Addictions P.E.I. has done all they can for me.  I will have to see her myself and explain what happened.  A bit of what it was like, what happened, and what its like now.

Andre ask me tonight if I was on Paxil.  He thought I was getting ‘buggy’.  I am on a high dose of it and I would like to get ir reduced as I am not at all depressed now.  Well … except for today.

Tomorrow, I must get up at 7 to prepare to leave at 8 for court.

 

November 6 (Day 10)- Court

Today, I went to court.  Before leaving I was strip searched (lest I try to smuggles something out of jail, I guess.  Although perhaps they are concerned about somebody having a makeshift handcuff key as Gary G. apparently had).  Then I was allowed to change into my “street clothes”.  And then I was handcuffed and even leg shackled and also photographed (they were concerned I might run away (thus the leg shackles) and if I did so they would need to have a picture to circulate for identification (thus the photograph)).  After this I was locked in a little cage in the back of the van and taken downtown.  I can see that they have taken precautions to prevent another [convict] (who escaped from the van en route to the court and evaded capture for several days) type incident.

My mother and father were at the courthouse.  I’m glad they didn’t have to see me in cuffs and shackles (they were removed upon arrival at the courthouse).  My mother will be coming to visit on Sunday.  Again, I’m unsure whether I want her to visit as we will have to talk through a piece of plexiglass.  I’m sure her perspective on this situation is quite different than mine and I would hate to see her cry.

The hearing was rescheduled for 9:30 but my lawyer didn’t show up until 9:45.  At this point, I have little confidence in her.  I wish I could afford a “real” lawyer.  But these are my circumstances and I must accept them. The hearing has been adjourned to Nov. 25 to allow us more time to prepare.  I was hoping to be released until that date but that has not happened.

The prosecutor is, in my opinion, an arsehole.  His position is that, I should never have gotten a conditional sentence in the first place, but since I did, he seems to harbor resentment towards me.  If I was released his position is that I would then be in breach of the condition that I reside in Talbot House, so he would have me arrested again.  If I were a lawyer, I would love to have a case like this; there are so many challenges involved.  It’s almost like a game – reg. vs prosecutor.  If he were to have me arrested while on a release granted by the court I think it would look petty and vindictive, which would strengthen my case.

I think my best approach in this situation would be to write a letter to Dr. Jones.  Since I am in jail, with access to a pencil and paper, and have plenty of free time, that is what I will do.

I must mention lunch.  I was able to pull off my first inside scam, with Ambrose as my accomplice.  I reported to the nurse that I was allergic to fish.  A call was made to Ambrose who confirmed my story, apparently.  Today, I was served chicken fingers – “special diet” while the others ate fish. Ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha …… infidels! ……soon all will be under my control …will proceed with plans for world domination … ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha … …

Well, I haven’t gotten a lot written here but I did write an eight page letter to Dr. Jones. Overall, I had a good day.  They all seem to be good days.  Life’s an adventure enjoy it.

I was able to talk the guys into watching South Park so now I go watch TV.

Jennifer, from the detox, brought me my pills tonight.  It was nice to see her, a pleasant surprise.  She’s always nice and friendly.  I wish we had met years ago (we would make cute babies).

 

November 7 (Day 11)

Today is Saturday and I slept in till lunch.  I do enjoy this.  I was telling the guys that sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and piss on the floor around the toilet cause its dark and I can’t see the toilet.  I figured this must happen to everybody, but they laughed at me.  Sometimes there’s no need for honesty.

The ones who have spent a lot of time in jail won’t even flush their toilets before noon so as not to disturb the rest of us.  Myself, I will flush as it needs to be flushed until directly told otherwise.

I’m really lazy today.  I slept all morning and afternoon.  In fact, if I could be granted only one wish I’d ask for the ability to hibernate like a bear.

For lunch today we had real French fries and a hamburger.  I guess this is a “treat” for us, every Saturday we get real fries and hotdogs or hamburgers.  But they fed us stew for supper.  I’m going to have to try saying that I’m allergic to that garbage.  Crackers are always available in the kitchen and so I’m sustaining myself on those.

Doug said to me, “you always look like you’re in a good mood”, which is a pleasant compliment.  I am always in a good mood (acceptance, page 449 of the big book).  That’s what makes my time here (my ‘bit’) easy.  Doug is very easy to get along with.  You can always joke around with him, whereas Andre is much more serious, always bashing P.E.I. (he’s from Toronto).  But you can have a laugh with him too.  Mac and Larry are also easy to get along with.  We have a good crew in here.

I was hoping Jennifer would bring my pills tonight, but it was not to be.  I guess she must have been filling in for somebody as the guys say they’ve never seen her before.  I firmly believe that Jennifer and I would make cute babies.

We are unable to get the newspaper her today.  We are wondering if there is something in it they don’t want us to see.  Or maybe they are just playing with our heads.  They do that around here.  Infidels.

I had a really good day altogether.  I always feel good, every day.  It’s hard to imagine that I wanted to die only 6 months ago.  Now I must start working on a plan for how I will stay straight if I am released on the 25^th.  I am seriously considering Ontario, but first I must make some phone calls.

 

November 8 (Day 12)

Again, I sleep till 12:30, getting up just in time for lunch.  Today we eat like kings; chicken nuggets and French fires (PEI French fries of course).  Interestingly, they serve the same chicken nuggets as you would find at McDonalds.  This is the first time I’ve seen these outside of McDonalds.  Andre is hearing a lot of jokes about PEI potatoes (he is from Toronto).  I told him that I had a vision of him in the future. He is at a truck stop in Ontario waiting for a truckload of PEI potatoes to pull in so he can steal it.  All his friends are saying: “poor Andre, he used to be so good at this but now all he wants is PEI potatoes”.  Then I see Andre out in the woods with the truck hidden and a big smile on his face.

[Janine] and my mother came to visit today.  I wasn’t expecting [Janine] to come.  Basically they tried to make me feel guilty and sorry for myself and the kids.  I am worried but what good does it do me to dwell on it.  [Janine] wants me to write a letter to Steven which I suppose I can do.  I really feel like a convict talking to them on a phone through the glass, just like in the movies.  I guess the people who built this place watch the same prison movies I saw.  Hmmm.

We had an AA meeting here tonight.  I kind of miss going to AA.  Hopefully this will soon be over and everything will be normal, whatever that is.

I didn’t get much writing done today.  I’ll get back with it tomorrow.  There’s always tomorrow.

 

November 9 (Day 13)

The thirteen day of my thirteen days here.  Unlucky?  I think not.  It’s Monday, back to routine, I suppose.

I’ve just been asked to clean up my cell.  It seems that they think my cell is messy.  And, well it is.  I have books and magazines and papers scattered all over it.  But, I like to think it’s an organized mess.  I can find what I need when I need it.  But I have cleaned it up, as these are the rules I live by in here.  And I’ve done a fine job too.  My mother would be proud of me, if she were still alive.  And she is.  So she should be proud of me if only for the reason that my cell is clean, I’m a model inmate, struggling against the grime within our justice system.

I’m starting to babble so perhaps it’s best that I nap. 

One of the guards came in and talked to me and Doug about conditional sentences. It seems unlikely that I will get thrown in here for the rest of my sentence as I didn’t re-offend but ‘merely’ broke one of my conditions, but the situation is complicated so we’ll have to see what happens.

I bought a bale of tobacco for Doug.  He is waiting for a money order and he’s no money in his account.  I did this because I’m basically a good guy.

The guys are talking about doing break and enter.  They call a crowbar, “the key to the city”, it’s hard to buy crowbars and burglary tools here on PEI because of how people here (including salesmen, clerks) like to talk, gossip.  One guy said its more work to get the tools than it is to do the job itself.  He broke into a sheet metal shop just to get prybars to do his jobs.

I’m now involved in a game of Risk, the game of world domination.  At the moment it appears that I am losing (we got some new games today).  I am taking a break now to consider strategy, the world shall be mine. Ah ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha.

 

November 10 (Day 14)

Here I am, still in Sleepy Hollow.  Things are getting routine and its getting harder to write.  The … uh …case work supervisor? Came to see me this morning.  I had several things to ask him about.  First, I wanted to know if they had any programs for drug abuse here.  They do but it will have to wait until after I’m sentenced.  Second, I asked if Freddy could come out and see me.  They said “ok” and then will him for me, and third, I told them about the situation with Dr. Jones.  They will consult Addiction Services and see what can be done.

I also spoke to the nurse ... about my medication.  I am getting a bit anxious and depressed lately, kind of like I was before I started taking my pills in June.  She will give me some Atarax at night and put me on the list to see the doctor.

Doug is thinking about writing a letter to his ex-girlfriend.  Doug, it seems, is involved in a love triangle which includes a pregnant ex who still loves her old boyfriend (he’s dead) and a new girlfriend who wants him to move to Toronto.  Doug is confused.  The situation is complicated.  I told him I will be calling Jerry Springer.

We spend the afternoon playing board games (Brenda didn’t show up – says she’ll be here tomorrow).  I lost to Andre in Risk and again in Scrabble.  But at least it makes the time go by fast.

They gave me fish for dinner.  I guess my scam didn’t work after all.

 

November 11 (Day 15)

Finally I get the writing paper I’ve been waiting for (they ran out yesterday).  Today’s a holiday (Remembrance Day) so again I get to sleep in.  This I like. 

Today I shaved.  We have to ask the guard for a razor (they keep them locked up because they fear we will take the blades out and make weapons or commit suicide).  The guard who passed me the razor put on a rubber glove before picking it up.  We are not given gloves.  I guess that means that he is concerned about catching a disease but it doesn’t matter if one of us does.  Moe says the gloves are so we won’t catch the guards diseases.  I’ll go with that explanation.  It’s also hard to get a good look at yourself in the mirror because the mirror is not your normal glass mirror.  It’s a piece of shiny metal bolted to the wall.  Things are different in here.  I also notice there are no electrical outlets in the cells (and light switches are outside too).  Also the light itself is enclosed in a heavy casing, I suppose this is so we will not try to electrocute ourselves.  It seems they don’t have much confidence in the inmates willingness to survive this ordeal.

I spoke to Wayne N. on the phone last night.  He’s doing OK.  He tells me that Freddy offered to let him come to morning group at the house.  I think I will talk to Freddy about this option for myself and incorporate it into my plans.  I will discuss it wiuth my lawyer if she shows up today.

Chicken legs for supper tonight; I think there is a repeating pattern to these meals.  Further investigation is warranted.

My lawyer didn’t show up today so most of the day was spent playing Risk.  Twice so far, I have lost.  Third time lucky, I hope.

 

November 12 (Day 16)

Just another day here, most of it spent playing Risk (secret mission version).  I have lost every game so far, but I get enjoyment from just confusing the other guys.  I act as a world terrorist, unpredictable.  No one understands my strategy.  No one understands me.  Poor me.

My lawyer didn’t show up again today.  I just have to hope for tomorrow, as I don’t want everything left to the last minute (again).  Andre got some good news from her yesterday.  It seems there is more evidence against him than he thought (he is suspected of burglarizing the Post Office in Morell).  He has been asking questions about policies and conditions in Springhill, a Federal Institution in Nova Scotia.  He seems to be getting mentally prepared for it.  I hope he is found not guilty, but it is out of my control.  His trial is in Souris and I may attend if I’m out.

I’ve been unable to make any phone calls today, as it is Thursday.  Because Thursday is a visiting day, we cannot make calls, except to a lawyer.  Those are the rules and it is not in my power to change them.  Acceptance (page 449 of the big book).  I would like to talk to Freddy and find out when he will be out to see me.

I have confirmed that there is a regular pattern to the meals here.  They go in a two week cycle.  Today, we had the same meals as we did on Thursday Oct. 29, the day after I came in.  I am making up my own meal schedule so I will know what to expect.  From this I will be able to determine how much junk food to order from the canteen.  My survival is important.  A man cannot live on slop alone.

 

November 13 (Day 17)

Friday the 13^th.  So far, so good.  I got up and won the game of Risk that we started last night, with a brilliant (of course) strategy.  Proceeded with plans for world domination.  Canteen order came.  Plenty of tobacco and chocolate bars for the weekend.  Everything looks ok, so far.

I’ve heard from the staff ([Supervisor] Thompson) that Freddy will be out to see me, but it may not be this week.  Also, I’ve been told that Dr. Jones has been contacted but has still has not decided whether or not to accept a call from me.  I shall remain optimistic.

Doug and Andre were telling me about the awful conditions at jails in Ontario (Donwood, Borden, Guelph).  Apparently, we have it pretty good here.

Fish for lunch, but I was able to get chicken fingers cause of my ‘allergy’.  It seems that they have not yet called Ambrose.  He is on vacation for a few weeks so hopefully I will be out of here when he does get back.

Stew for supper, I’d like to say I’m allergic to that shit but I don’t think they would believe me.

There’s a guy in here from Pictou.  Apparently, he tried to shoot somebody in Cornwall at the apartment building where Wayne lives.  It turns out, he is a friend of Joe Smith, who I went to university (Saint Mary’s) years ago.  Small world (but I wouldn’t want to paint it).

The lawyer didn’t show up or return any of my calls today.  This is really starting to piss me off.  There is so much to be done and I have to discuss plans with her.  Now it will have to wait until at least Monday.

We have two guys from Summerside jail in here with us for the weekend.  Whenever they have a lot of weekenders (people serving their sentences on weekends, of course) in Summerside, they send some of the straight-timers here for the weekend.  It’s ok with me.  It makes it a bit more interesting in here if the new guys are alright; it helps the time go buy faster.

We played Risk all day long today.  Andre was getting kind of riled up by my Kamchatka terrorist strategy.  But I’m really enjoying stirring things up.

“Weiner” was on duty (guard) tonight.  I talked to him awhile at the gym.  I wanted to call Steven tonight but they wouldn’t let me call long distance on Friday night (these things I learn as go along).  Weiner called his wife and asked her to call my mother and explain this to her, which was kind of him, I thought.

All in all it was a peaceful day.  Friday the 13^th went by without any major problems.

 

November 14 (Day 18)

The weekend is here again.  I slept in till noon.  Then I got up and took a shower.  It’s annoying that I have no control over the hot water.  I have to get somebody to tell the guard to turn the temperature up or down, and then it’s either too hot or too cold.  I can’t get it right. I’m not happy.  If I was in charge around here things would be different around here.  But I’m not in charge (acceptance – page 449 of the big book).

Hotdogs for lunch as I expected.  Meals are going to the schedule I’ve done up.  There are some gaps in the schedule but tonight I think it might be chicken burgers.’

We played two games of Risk this afternoon.  I won both.  I decided to use a slow careful strategy and it paid off.  World domination.  Infidels.

We had bologna for supper. Hmmmm  I wasn’t expecting that.  Just when I get it all figured out, I find that I may not have it figured out after all.

I called home after supper and spoke to Steven (asked him to save some Halloween candy for me) and my mother. She’s going to make calls to Freddie, Dr. Jones, and the lawyer.  That should help get things moving a bit faster.  She also said she’d be in to see me on Thursday.

All in all, not much happened today, but its one day less till I get outta here.

 

November 15 (Day 19)

Very quiet day today.  Spent most of the day playing Risk.  Frankie was supposed to come and see me but didn’t show up.

We had an AA meeting here tonight.  I found it kind of boring.  It would be better if we (max) could go to the same meeting as the rest of the inmates, but I’m not sure how much I miss going to meetings.  Guess I’ll find out when I got out.

Guess I don’t have much to say today … I am reading a book called “Cruel Doubt” by Joe McGinness.  It is a true crime book about a kid (heavily into dungeons and dragons … must have a look at that sometime) who has his stepfather murdered and his mother badly beaten.  It’s interesting so far.

Now, I will go to bed, hoping to hear from my lawyer and others tomorrow.

 

November 16 (Day 20)

It’s Monday again. Another week begins, and, I hope this week brings something good, some progress.

It’s really getting to be a pain in the arse going to breakfast. They wake me up and yell, “breakfast in five minutes”. I’d like to have time to wash my hair, brush my teeth, and have a smoke but every morning it’s a rush to the kitchen for soggy toast.

I finally got to speak with Brenda P. [lawyer] today. She really hasn’t done anything and doesn’t seem to know what to do. I have the feeling that she has not put much time in on my case. I asked her to call Freddy and to call Dr. Jones again to see if they can help out. Surely they would help me out if she would ask them to. I just hope everything isn’t left to the last minute and we don’t go to court unprepared. That’s my biggest fear at the moment.

Meals today are the same as they were on Monday two weeks ago. They suck.

I called Freddy this evening and got through finally. I asked him if he can help me set up a plan to stay straight on the outside (anything that looks good to the judge!). He told me he would come out and talk to me on Thursday. I also asked him if he could get in touch with Dr. Jones to see if she would approve any plan which he setup. Now I sit and wait, hoping for the best. My biggest problem will be the prosecutor – asshole is the word I would use to describe him. It will give me great pleasure if he is unsuccessful in his efforts, again.

We played a few games of Risk today but Andre seems to be getting really upset when he loses. I think we may have to put this game away for a few days so that we can retain peace on our unit.

We got a new guy in tonight too, older fellow. He got 3 months for impaired driving. I’m seeing, since I came in here (and before) how closely addiction and criminal behavior are tied together. I think society’s approach to this problem is inappropriate. I think if more money were spent on treating addiction, we would have a lower crime rate. Interesting, as Doug would say. If I were in charge things would be different around here … but I’m not. Acceptance – page 449 of the big book.

 

November 17 (Day 21)

As I write this, some of the others are smoking something sort of … illegal. But I choose not to partake. It’s not as much that I’m trying to stay clean (or is it?) but hash is just not my drug of choice.

And while on the topic of drugs, I should mention the new guy in our unit, he is accused of armed robbery at the bus station Friday night. He plans to plead guilty on Thursday and expects to be sentenced to four years. He lives right beside the bus station. He went in with a knife and demanded money. He says that if the clerk had refused he would have slit his throat. This he did cause he needed (wanted) money to get coke. After the robbery, he went to a bar across the street where he was later apprehended. Four years just to get some cocaine. Insanity, I think. I’ve never been so desperate.

This guy was saying that he wouldn’t be afraid to rob a bank or fight someone twice his size. Since he’s been in jail he has yet to call his wife and has refused calls from her. The only thing he is scared of is talking to his wife.

No Risk played today. I guess you could say it was a risk free day. OK.

I used my one phone call to call Wayne but Wayne wasn’t in. Maybe he was at the meeting at Talbot House.

All in all, nothing mucking futch happened. Vinni, viddi, vicci.

 

November 18 (Day 22)

Today is, hopefully, the first day of my final week here. As I said, hopefully.

I woke up around five o’clock this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have this reoccurring dream about a treatment centre. It’s not very interesting but it’s strange that it keeps coming back. It’s funny that usually I don’t remember my dreams but when I’m dreaming it’s all so familiar.

I was annoyed at [Janine] when I woke up too. I was going to write her a letter but I decided I won’t take my anger out on her, at this point. But I think it’s time to throw some of the guilt back her way. It’s not my fault alone that we are separated. And I’m not surprised that she hasn’t come to visit me on her own.

Speaking of visits, tomorrow I am expecting my mother, Freddy, and Wayne. And maybe even Brenda too, this should make the day go by quickly.

Sid is going to be sentenced tomorrow for the robbery. His lawyer, or whatever, worked out a deal for four years (the prosecutor would ask for eight to ten if it went to trial). Sid seems to have accepted that he is going to prison. He has been sober for two years, started using coke last week, and tomorrow he goes to prison. I think there’s a message in that.

 

November 19 (Day 23)

Today is Thursday and, hopefully, it will be my last Thursday here. I remain optimistic.

I was expecting a visit from Wayne today but I am unable to put his name on the visitors list until tomorrow because my case worker, Lorrie, is not here today and apparently no one but him can change the list for me. Why does such a simple thing have to be so complicated? If I was in charge things would be different around here.

I’ve been told that Freddie will be here to see me at four o’clock. Also, my mother is supposed to come here too. I am not confident that Brenda will show up.

Sid is gone to court, where he will be sentenced to four years. His situation really makes me think about how powerful drugs are and how severe the consequences can be. One week ago he was sitting home in his living room watching t.v. and today he is being sentenced to four years in prison. It’s a real eye opener, as Andre said.

… well we had chicken breasts for supper which was better than usual.

My mother came to visit. She’s kind of worried that I might have to stay here cause they’ll have no where to put me since I am supposed to be, technically, in Talbot House for 12 months. She doesn’t think they’ll let me live on my own but I hope she is wrong.

Freddie was also here to visit me. He says he’ll write a letter to the court saying I’ve behaved myself most of the time but he says that he can only state facts. I was hoping that he could give a statement saying I was doing well and they had planned to release me soon. I just hope that Dr. Jones can add something positive. I am really glad that Freddy is supportive and will still work with me. I’m really a good guy, but nobody understands me. Poor me.

 

November 20 (Day 24)

 Just another day here. They seem to be getting longer and longer. I gotta get outta this place.

Brenda was at the jail this morning but she only spoke with Andre and then left. It seems that my case is not one of her priorities. I called twice this afternoon and she didn’t return the calls. Our Legal Aid system here is inadequate. They get paid the same rate whether they win or lose (well I suppose most lawyers do). But what I mean is that they just want to take a case and get it dealt with as quickly as possible, so it doesn’t seem to matter whether the case one or lost. It’s easier for them if the client pleads guilty. Then they can move on to the next one.

I’m having trouble sleeping here. For the last week or so I’ve been awake for half the night. I’ve asked for something for anxiety but they won’t give it to me. The health care here is … not great. Although Jennifer is working tonight and it’s always nice to see her. Jennifer and I would make cute babies.

I tried to call Wayne today but he wasn’t home. I was going to ask him to visit me on Sunday. Perhaps he will call anyway and see if he is on my visitors list.

All of here are getting along well, playing Risk and other games. This helps to pass the time. I think I will keep in touch with them all when I get out.

I can’t get to watch South Park tonight. This is rather disappointing to me. I miss staying up with Steven to watch South Park. Hopefully, next week we will be able to do so. Hopefully, everything will turn out ok. I remain optimistic. If I have no hope what have I got?

 

November 21 (Day 25)

It’s Saturday, the weekends here and it’s going by fast. I slept all day. Got up at 4:30 for supper (I thought it was five thirty when I got up. I was kinda disappointed). This should be my last Saturday in this place if things go well on Wednesday in court. No plans for today, nothing to do. Six more hours and it’s lockdown.

I talked to my mother, [Janine], and Steven on the phone tonight. They are not at all confident that I’ll be able to live on my own if I am released but I have no other option because I can’t go back to Talbot House. Souris is a possible option but I don’t know if I could handle that. I feel a need to regain my independence. Its’ been ten months now since this all began and I really wish it would end.

I asked my mother to call Wayne N. and tell him he’s on my visitors list for tomorrow. I hope he can make it out to see me. I also asked her to call Pat (Dr. Jones’s friend) and find out what she has to say about me getting treatment as an outpatient.

 

November 22 (Day 26)

sunday, bloody, sunday. sabbath, bloody, sabbath. Optimistically, my final Sunday in custody. Time moves forward slowly towards my appearance in court where I hope to be able to make the judge see what a nice guy I really am and win my freedom.

Can’t say that I got a whole lot done today. Of course I didn’t have a whole lot to do anyway so every things ok.

I did a lot of crossword puzzles (Moe had a book of them hidden in his nest). I might be getting addicted to these things.

I went to the AA meeting tonight. It was getting pretty dull and then the guard came in and told me that I had a visitor. Wayne came out to see me. (Jodi was also in the visitors room talking to George). So Wayne stayed about an hour and talked to me. We made plans to meet at Grabba Jabba (we think that the Grabba Jabba girls must be missing us badly) on Wednesday after court, that is, after I get released. Freedom (although still limited). Wayne’s a good lad and I’m glad he came out. We’re hoping to go to Europe together if we can somehow get the money together. That would be mucho fun indeed.

Alls well in our unit here. All the guys are in good humor. We make a good group: Andre, Doug, Moe and I. If nothing else I’ve met some interesting people in here. I’ll probably miss these fellas when I leave this place.

 

November 23 (Day 27)

Today I’m preparing for my appearance in court. I’ve written some draft copies of a speech to the judge. Tomorrow I will sort through them and combine the best passages. Words are powerful things. They can be combined in so many different ways to elicit whatever feeling you desire in audience: anger, pity, understanding, humor, etc. I will arrange my words so as to make the judge see things my way hopefully.

I just had a conversation with one of the guys on how to get fake identification. Interestingly, this information would have been useful to me earlier in my life when I was a criminal. Now I’m just a good guy, mildly criminal. No outlaw me.

Everybody here seems to think I will be set loose on Wednesday and I hope their feelings are correct. Me would likee that. It would be such a waste of my life to spend a year in here. I do have something to offer society. I am rehabilitated ok.

I called home tonight and spoke to my father. He didn’t have a whole lot of negative things to say which was new for a change. But he was talking to Pat, who told him that Dr. Jones, apparently, is not going to get involved. That’s disappointing. I guess I’m on my own. These are my circumstances and I must accept them, even if it means I have to spend a year in this dump. But I really hope that doesn’t happen.

So anyway now I go to bed and tomorrow I wake up to what should be my last day here. Assuming all goes well. Hmmm.

Draft letter and passages to the court:

Attention is focused on mistakes I made rather than progress I’ve made. Yes, I did use drugs on 2 occasions in the past 10 months but there are also 300 other days when I didn’t use drugs. It’s those 300 days that I will draw inspiration from to continue a sober lifestyle. This is the longest period of sobriety I’ve had in the past 20 years and I am determined to continue on this path.

I don’t expect to be excused for my action but I hope I can be judged for what I’ve done right as well as, of course, for what I’ve done wrong. I am aware that my behavior has had consequences not only for myself but also for those around me, especially my family.

… I’ve been using drugs for 20 years and I never expected to be cured in …

… I now realize that what I did was wrong and I see that it could (easily) have been prevented.

Learn a new way of living

I’ve made (I have) many friends through treatment and I have a good relationship with addiction services. This is what will help me to remain sober.

I have had some difficulties in treatment. I feel that this is due to the fact that I’ve been ordered to seek treatment and so my motivation is always in question, unfortunately. But I firmly believe that my intentions are good.

 

November 24 (Day 28)

I really fucking hope that this is my last day here. It’s not that things are that bad in here but there’s so much I could be doing on the outside.

Leonard came out to see me today, unexpectedly. He suggested that I use my parents house as an address to present to the court and use the services of Souris Detox. I didn’t really want to go to Souris (or not be sentenced to live there) but it seems to be the most feasible option at this point. From there I could work on getting back to Charlottetown or even farther. Leonard is a wise man and always seems to have something useful to say. It’s funny how he showed up today with a solution. He also helped me figure out what to say before I went to court in May. Everything happens for a reason, as Leonard would say.

Brenda finally called this afternoon. I was going to rake her about not putting enough time into this but what good would that do me now. She actually has things worked out well, although she is going to have another lawyer represent me since she has another trial in Souris. She talked to Freddie and he had a lot of good things to say (thanks Freddie). He didn’t give her a letter for the judge as I had hoped but what he told her was all good.

She also got a call from Martin Dorrell. I was very pleased to hear that. I had been a bit embarrassed about the letter I sent him cuz I thought it might have sounded like I was begging. But it all went well.

Today everything just seemed to fall into place.

Draft letter to the court:

Your honor, when I stood before you in June of this year, it was for an offence involving the sale of drugs. I have not returned to this activity and I have no intention of ever doing so.

The reason I am here today is that I have had a slip, a momentary lapse of reason. I took a pill which was not prescribed to me. I realize that I was wrong to do so and that it could have been prevented, unfortunately, that did not happen. I was aware that there would be consequences to such behavior, but at that moment none of that mattered. I was able to justify in my own mind, the need for that pill, despite all the negative consequences for myself and my family. This shows me how powerful this disease is. I will have to be on guard against it for the rest of my life.

I have had some problems in treatment but I believe that my intentions are good, even though sometimes my behavior indicated otherwise. I have been using drugs for 20 years and adjusting to life without them has been difficult for me. I have been in treatment for 10 months now and I have used drugs on 2 occasions. But there have also been about 300 days where I did not use. This is the longest period of sobriety I’ve ever had in my life and it is those 300 days that draw inspiration from to continue this new way of life. I am not yet and never will be cured but I feel that I am making progress.

I take responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be excused for what I’ve done. I hope that I can be judged for what I’ve done right as well, of course, for what I’ve done wrong.

With the support of my family, addiction services, and hopefully the court, I will continue to progress in living a life without drugs.

 

November 25 (Day 29) - Conditional Sentence Revoked

Things’ didn’t go well for me today. That is why I’m still here writing this (I got a pen from Moe, at least I’m in good company) at breakfast. They took me to court and told me I wasn’t going today. So I called my lawyer and I did have to be there. The staff here fucked up. So they got me to court on time anyway (actually, if I had shut my mouth I could possibly have gotten this thing thrown out as it had to be heard within 30 days and today is the 29^th day). The prosecutor (that prick) presented his argument (that I should be locked up) and then we presented outs and I made a statement myself which apparently didn’t help cause the judge revoked my conditional sentences and now I’m servicng two years less a day. My mother and father were there. My mother didn’t take it that well. [Janine] didn’t even show up as I expected (I took her off my visitors list today). I think her problem (my problem) in court was that we didn’t give the judge a case similar to mine to go by. I mean one where someone on a conditional sentence breached it and was given a short jail sentence plus completion of their conditional sentence. But it’s too late for that. I’m fucked now.

So we put in an application for parole. I could be out of here in 2 ½ months on parole to the Talbot House if things work out ok. Although I never wanted to be a parolee. But then who does? If I stayed in here and completed my sentence I would be out in 11 months, no strings attached. But I couldn’t hack it that long (new pen). So it looks like parole is the way to go. I’ll get more details on that tomorrow. The worst part of it is that there is no good time on parole so it will be until my birthday, June 25, in the year 2000. that’s a long time in which I will have to behave myself or at least avoid getting caught. I hope it doesn’t cause problems when I try to get a job. I might go back to selling drugs when this is all over if it does interfere with employment. I guess one way or another things will work out. I could probably sell drugs again because now that I’ve been in jail I have no fear of it anymore. Maybe this is not the place that they should have put me. But I guess the court believed that treatment is hopeless for me so here I am, sitting in my cell writing notes. I think that maybe the best thing that I can do with my time is to write (or work on writing) the book that I’ve always wanted to write. I think my life is an interesting story that needs to be told. I certainly have the time to work on it now. I only hope that I can find the motivation ….

 

November 26 (Day 30)

Well, I’m a long timer now, doing my bit here in max. but it really doesn’t feel any different. Plus ca la meine chose. Oui oui oui. Today was a day much like the others before it except this morning I filled out papers for parole and also found out my release date which is Dec. 4, 1999, that is if I stay in and serve my full sentence (with good time taken off). The only benefit to that is that when I got out there would be no probation or parole or any of that shit. It would be over and done with. Vinni viddi vicci (I came, I saw, I conquered). But, if I apply for parole I can get out on day parole on Jan. 25 (or thereabouts. That is a date I calculated myself. I’ll get the official eligibility date soon). In that case I believe that I would have to reside in a place such as Talbot House. Also, I would be on parole till the end of my full sentence which expires on June 25, 2000, my 34^th birthday (quite a birthday gift. I think I would get extremely inebriated). Being on parole would be a big pain in the arse and also somewhat of a stigma. But how much time in here can I handle. I’ll have to make a final decision later. Hmmm …

We have a new guy in our unit, Jerry, who seems to be alright. He likes to joke around a bit which is good and tonight he rolled the rest of my tobacco for me which is even better (he was bored). Andre is going to trial tomorrow. It’s his second day of trial and he seems fairly confident that he will win. One way or the other, when he leaves here tomorrow, we won’t be seeing him again. It’ll be different not having him around.. I’ve come to enjoy his company and I especially like getting him ‘’riled up”, aggravated, but in a playful way. If he gets convicted, he’ll be going to the pen (across the puddle) and if he doesn’t, he’ll be going back to Toronto. I have his number so I hope to get in touch with him sometime in the future.

I had no visitors today, but I did get a receipt for 40 bucks that jean dropped off. I don’t know if she asked to see me (probably not) but she’s off my visitors list cuz I’m kinda pissed off at her. Maybe someday we’ll straighten things out but right now I don’t care whether I see her for a while. She’s told me she wouldn’t bring the kids in to see me anyway.

Jennifer is working tonight, bringing me pills like a good nurse should. I’d like to interview her sometime for the book I hope to write. I’m going to get started on that soon. At least I can make an outline and get an idea of whether or not I have enough subject matter to fill a book. I imagine that I can do it if I really want to.

I spoke with the teacher here about using their computers. It is possible although I won’t have much access from max. I would move to medium for more access but I’m comfortable here now with the guys in here so for now, I have no plans of moving. Stay tuned for more details.

 

November 27 (Day 31)

So what happened today? Well, I tried to get some more pills out of the nurse for ‘anxiety’, actually so I can sleep more. I’d sleep straight through till spring if it was possible. But she wouldn’t give me anything. She says I should find something to do here in max but she thinks I should move to medium. From there I would have more access to the library and computer room. I could also help the teacher they have since I am fairly well educated. Charity work; something I never considered before. Hmmmm. It’s a possibility.

But I kinda like it where I am here. Because the guys are easy to get along with, sorta fun to be around. I’d like to stay here for another month or so anyway. I’m thinking about changing my schedule so that I stay up all night reading and writing and sleep during the day. That would suit me fine. It would be nice if I could get some kind of writing table in here. I’ll have to ask about that, and presumably get turned down.

Andre beat the rap today. He’s a free man. I haven’t heard any details but hes at Doug house for a couple of days before he goes back to Toronto. I hope we meet again sometime in a different setting.

Jennifer came with pills tonight. I asked her if I could borrow some psychology books to keep myself busy. I’m interested in sociology too. I must find a way to get some books in here. There must be a way. There must be. That’s a short term goal I’ll set for myself.

So I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I’m going to be here for a while. I’ll just have to make the best of it. Hopefully I can get a start on the book idea I’ve had for a while.

 

November 28 (Day 32)

I’m feeling kinda bored today; having thought about moving down to medium. The time might go faster if I had something more to do. I suppose there are more opportunities there to fill up the day. If they ask me to move I don’t think I would object. Except to eat, I never leave the unit here on most days. It’s too cold to go outside and there is nowhere else to go. Maybe drugs would help the time go by faster. Hmmm … all in all jail can be a boring place and I don’t recommend it. It’s not hard to live here but it’s a waste of my life – so many missed opportunities.

I called wayne this evening. It’s disappointing that I can’t go out with him for coffee or for a beer. I’ll be very happy when this whole freaking thing is over on june 25, 2000, my 34^th birthday. I’m getting extremely drunk and stoned on that day, regardless of what anybody thinks.

The worst thing that may happen as a result of me being jailed is that I may come out of here more determined to make a living selling drugs than I ever was. I have a resentment against the justice system now, so fuck ‘em. When this is over nobody is going to tell me how to live my life … but in the meantime, I must suck up as best I can.

 

November 29 (Day 33)

Sunday in Sleepy Hollow and its been a long lonely day. I was expecting a visit from Wayne and perhaps my mother but neither one showed up. How quickly we’re forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes.

Nothing to watch on TV but sports and I’m not interested in sports. I’m getting more and more interested in moving to medium. I’ve heard that there is five empty cells there so maybe tomorrow or some time this week I’ll be on my way. There’s not much to look forward to in here. Right now I’m just waiting for December and I’ll wait for January, and then ….

Some asshole in the next unit is banging on the wall and screaming. I wish he would fuck off. I think it’s Tyler, the village idiot. He belongs in jail but I wish it was some other jail.

I’ll be glad when this whole bullshit jail sentence is over and done with. Why did I have to get into this mess?

 

November 30 (Day 34)

This has been the longest day I’ve spent in here so far. I hope ther’s not more like it, although, no doubt, there will be. It’s time, I hope, for now to get transferred to medium so I can find something to keep myself busy, or at least a little bit more busy than I am now, which is not at all busy.

Leonard was here to see me today. I asked him to come and see me whenever he is at (Moes getting a bit annoyed at me because I keep bumming pens from him. Every pen he gives me is almost out of ink) the jail. Leonard comes out every week to talk to inmates who are into AA. He had some good advice on parole. According to him, I may not have to live in a treatment center, when I get out. That would be a relief ‘cause I’m getting kinda frustrated with the kind of atmosphere there is in those places. I find that it’s negative. A lot of the patients are phony but surprisingly, the staff doesn’t seem to see through them. In some ways, being honest holds you back. This reminds me that I should look up some statistics to find out what the success rate is. Hmmmm …. Perhaps I could ask Jennifer for help in this area. Hmmm … research for the book. Yeah.

I went to church here tonight. That was a big mistake. It reminded me of why I don’t go to church. I don’t mind to hear about how Jesus can save my life. If there was such a loving god, I wouldn’t be in this mess … actually the reason I went was to have a look at the girls in the female unit. This is the only place where the max inmates get to mingle with the others. Apparently it’s also a good place for passing drugs, but this was not my interest.

I was getting annoyed with one of the new guys in our unit tonight. So I took a time out card and the feelings passed. Now I’m ok. Actually two of the guys were getting on my nerves. I suppose that’s bound to happen in this place.

Tomorrow I hope I will get more info about parole and when I’ll be moving to medium. I must also find time to write a letter to Martin Jones and thank him. I am not ungrateful for any help and support I receive. I hope that others are aware of this.

 

December 1 (Day 35)

December’s here.  Only 24 shopping days till Christmas.  Today, I tried to figure out when I’ll be eligible for parole but nobody I talked to seems to know for sure.  For day parole you have to have served one sixth of your sentence which for me is four months if it is based on the full 2 year sentence, or 3 ½  months if it is based on the 20 months left when I came in.  If it’s the former then I am already eligible and if it’s the latter, I will be eligible on February 5, regardless of which it is, I will be here for about 3 more months, they say, because it takes that long for the paperwork to get done.  But I would just like to know.  Tomorrow, I will try to speak with [Supervisor] Trainer and hopefully get some answers.

I wrote some letters today (kinda foolish ones) to Steven, [Valerie] and Zeke.  The guards are going to think I’m insane when they read them, that is if they don’t think so already.

I cleaned up my room a bit today so everybody would stop ragging me about it.  I really don’t care how much of a mess it is as long as I can find my bed, but sometimes we have to put up a front, make a good impression.  It didn’t work well though; they’re still saying it’s a mess.

One of the guys, Tommy, got sent to Summerside today to go to court.  It’s more peaceful without him here.  He’s an ok guy but just too young and obnoxious.  Hmmm… Maybe I’m getting cranky in my older age, but hopefully wiser too.

 

December 2 (Day 36)

Well it seems that a transfer to medium is imminent.  I was kind of hoping that it would be put off for a week or so, until after my parole papers have been sent in, but both the nurse and the teacher have suggested I move so I believe it will it will be soon.  All of the guys here are asking to be moved to medium or minimum, well except Moe, that is.  He wishes to stay here a while longer.  Moe is a good guy to be doing time with, always in a good mood it seems.  He helped the days go by a little bit faster for me and made them more enjoyable.  And Doug is moving to minimum so our group here will be dissolved. 

In a way this is a bit sad but I will meet new people and have new experiences and that is what life is all about.  We move on to another stage.  Hopefully, I will have more to do, or at least more options, and the time will pass quickly towards my release date, whenever that is.  I hope to get some insight into that tomorrow or surely by Friday. 

Tomorrow is visiting day and I wonder if anyone will come to see me, although I am not expecting any visitors, but I have not spoken with anyone outside of here since Friday, so it is a possibility.  Hmmm ….

 

December 3 (Day 37)

I’m really getting sick of this place – feeling kind of alone and isolated today - feelings of despair.  How do I get myself into places like this and when will it all end?  No visitors again today as is usually the case.  I haven’t called anybody all week but why bother?  What can they do for me?  I did receive some money from my mother today so at least somebody is thinking of me.  We get forgotten quickly in places like this.  Such is life.

I spoke with [Supervisor] about my parole eligibility date.  He thinks it will be in February, but he also said that it takes about four months to get all the paperwork done so I may be here till March or April.  At least I will miss winter but this really isn’t the answer.

I didn’t get moved to medium yet but Jerry was sent to minimum.  I’m happy about that cause he was really getting on my nerves, always complaining that I’m messy, and, I sleep too much and turn up the tv too loud.  I thought we might get into a fight this morning when he tried to tell me I had to clean up the unit.  I’m not in jail for doing what I was told.

I couldn’t get any sleep last night, for the second night in a row so that’s made me a bit cranky today.

They tried to feed me liver for supper today.  I’ll never eat that fucking garbage, I’d rather chew off my arm.  A lot of us didn’t eat it.  You would think the staff would notice that and not serve it anymore, but … I don’t get it.

Well it looks like I will be staying up all night reading.  I am about to start “City of Joy”; it’s supposed to be a good story.  I have the book and I can’t sleep so I might as well find out.

 

December 4 (Day 38)

Another kinda fucked up day.  I was awake till 6 am again last night so I slept most of the day.  Looks like I’ll be up all night again.  “City of Joy” is a pretty good book so I’ve got something to do at least until they turn my light off.  I’ve read “The Pope of Greenwich Village” a couple nights ago and really enjoyed it – I finished it in one day.

Today I got my parole papers finished and they were sent in, or at least they were supposed to be.  Now the long wait begins.  I think I’ll call the parole office on Monday and see how long they expect it to be.  Anyway it looks like I won’t be going skiing this winter.  I might not even touch the snow.

I got a message to call home tonight.  I’m not allowed to call long distance from here on Friday night.  But I don’t know if I would have called even if I was.  I don’t know if they have anything good to say.  I really don’t want to hear my father say, “I told you this would happen.  What are you going to do now?”  Fuck that.  I think I’ll just wait till Sunday and see if anybody shows up.  I kinda hope [Janine] comes and they don’t let her in cause I took her off my visitor list.  But I’m not expecting her.  She’ll probably never even find out she’s not on the list.  She’s all fucked up anyway.  It’s not all my fault I’m in this mess.  Although, morally it is, I suppose.  But I can’t say she’s given me much support since it all began.  I’ll have to ask my mother if she can take [Valerie] in to see me.  Surely (?), I would be allowed an open visit for that.

 

December 5 (Day 39)

Another night without sleep last night.  I was awake till seven o’clock.  I heard some girls screaming and guards yelling last night.  I wonder what that was all about.  I lied awake all night thinking.  I was really pissed off about how [Janine] has acted towards me in the last ten months.  I don’t know what I’ll say to her the next time I see her.  Maybe I’ll talk to my mother about it if she comes in tomorrow.

I was going through my plans for what I’m going to do when I get out.  The latest idea, and perhaps best so far, is that I get sent to a treatment centre or halfway house in Ontario, either in Hamilton, Waterloo, or Toronto.  I would like to be in a smaller city than Toronto but not too far from the airport.  I might be able to arrange a job there through Ann, I should send her a letter.  If I was able to work there I could take the technical writing course part time. That would work out pretty well, I think.  But somehow I will have to spend some time with Steven and [Valerie] and get some things done with my cars before I go.  It might be best if I spent a couple of months in Talbot House first, probably as long as I am on day parole.

The way I was feeling last night I would have taken a valium or seconal if I had one.  That kind of scares me because if I was home I could easily get dependent upon them again.  And that’s not a good thing.  This is the first time since last winter that I’ve had these long sleepless nights and I’m not sure that I’m able to handle them.

I had decided last night that I was going to write some letters today to Ann, Sylvia (bitch), and Martin but it didn’t get done.  Perhaps tomorrow I can find some motivation to do so.  Perhaps.  I didn’t take a nap today so I should be able to sleep tonight.

 

December 6 (Day 40)

I got to sleep around four o’clock last night which is better than usual lately.  I hope I can get into a more normal routine next week.

I’m kinda disappointed that nobody came to visit me today.  I was expecting Wayne and my mother to come.  Maybe I should give them a call and see what’s up.  We get forgotten quickly when we’re in these places.  I’ve been pretty much out of circulation all year.  On second thought, I would say I’ve been out of circulation for years in a prison of my own making.  It’s funny that tonight I would get into something I haven’t done in so many years.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected but I have no desire to do it again.  I only hope that I don’t have to give a urine sample when I go to the nurse tomorrow.  I really wish I could get things together so that I would never have to fear a urine test again.  I know I’m making progress but I don’t know if I will ever win.  Plus ca la meme chose – the more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

December 7 (Day 41)

Never got any sleep again last night.  This has been going on for about a week now and the nurse refuses to give me anything for anxiety or let me see the doctor.  Even if I could sleep tonight, I probably won’t cause they put a new guy in the next cell and he snores really loud.  He’s in doug’s room.  Doug got sent to medium today.  It just won’t be the same without him but after this last year I’m pretty used to people coming and going suddenly.

It turned out to be an interesting day though.  I was talking to the nurse about my parole application and she said they were concerned about a letter I sent to Zeke.  They’re going to have a shrink come in and talk to me tomorrow.  They think I’m crazy.  This letter is probably the reason I didn’t get sent to medium last week as I had expected.  Nobody understands me.  Poor me.  Maybe tomorrow they’ll send me to the nuthouse.  Tonight I sent a letter to Santa Clause so that should stir things up.  Life is an adventure and I might as well enjoy it.

 

December 8 (Day 42)

Last night I was able to sleep – what a relief.  At breakfast (and at all the meals now) everybody was making jokes about me being crazy which I find amusing.

I expected to be sent to Hillsborough [Provincial Mental Hospital] today, but things didn’t turn out as I had planned.  I thought that getting sent to the nuthouse would be interesting material for a book if I ever write one.  So they sent the shrink in to see me.  He had the letter to my dog and also the letter to Steven (which was quite silly).  He asked a lot of questions about whether I could differentiate reality from fantasy.  I played along with him, telling him that my dog is the only one that I trust and evading most of his questions.  I think he concluded that I am not insane, but just a weirdo druggie.  And so, it looks like I will remain here.  Nobody understands me.  Poor me.

I called home tonight and spoke to my mother and Steven.  My mother doesn’t expect me to get out until next December.  I hope she’s wrong about that.  I asked Steven to write a letter to me from Zeke, then they’ll know I’m not crazy. Ha ha ha ha ha

 

December 9 (Day 43)

Today I hate this fucking place.  They haven’t taken us to the library yet this week, and now they say we can’t go tonight.  We’ve only gotten there once in the last two weeks.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here if I can’t even read.

We got some new guys in and every evening the fucking idiots watch wrestling.  They think it’s real.  And everybody thinks I’m nuts.  This morning I thought they were going to put me in observations.  Obviously, I convinced some of these simple minded guards that I am crazy.  Infidels.

Finally I got to see the doctor so I should be getting something at night to help me sleep.

I called Wayne this evening.  I asked him if he got the letter I sent him about 3 weeks ago.  He said that he never got it.  This is really pissing me off.  I don’t know if any of my letters are being sent.  If they won’t send my mail at least they should tell me so and give me reasons why.

Tonight, I wrote my first short story, a kind of silly tale about this place and the guys in here mixed with fantasy.  I don’t know what to title it yet but I like it and I’m proud of it even if it is silly.  I’m getting a lot of flak for writing to the dog but that’s ok.  At least they’ll know who I am.  Or will they?

 

December 10 (Day 44)

I must have fallen asleep before 6:00 this morning cause that’s when George (guard) came and woke me up.  I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.  I had to go to admitting and give a urine test.  I hope it’s clean cause if not it could fuck up my parole.  I hope to get the results tomorrow.

Today went by reasonably well.  They gave me back the dog letter and said that they sent Steven’s letter.  But I have yet to find out if any of the others were actually sent.  I’m not sure now what to say if I write a letter.  Big brother is watching me.  If I could, I’d try and set a record for most positive pee tests, but it really wouldn’t do me much good, wouldn’t get me out of here any sooner.

Another visiting day today and still no visits.  It would be nice if Doug’s friend came to see me but perhaps it’s not meant to be.  I’d also like to see somebody from Talbot House, especially Irene.  She understands me better than anyone I know.  I’d feel bad if she abandoned me.  I had to rewrite my plans for the parole application today.  Hopefully, it’s on its way at last.

Last night, I wrote a song, almost two songs which I’m sort of proud of.  I should put more time into writing. It can only benefit me.

 

December 11 (Day 45)

I left my pen downstairs and my lighter.  I just finished writing letters to Ann, Martin, and the Minister of Health.  I’ve been putting it off for a while but it’s done now.  Now I can move on to other things.  It’s not that I’m so busy in here, I’m just kinda laxy.  I even left the unit to go play some snooker tonight, which is a change for me.

The other guys were watching tv tonight so I didn’t see the South Park that’s disappointing.  At least we were able to get to the library tonight.

I’ve never heard anything about the results of my urine test so I’ll take that as a good sign.  For now.

Leonard was here to see me this morning.  He tells me that urine will be a week late getting back.  Also, Talbot House put on the AA Meeting here Wednesday night.  Some of the guys came out to see me.  I didn’t know they were coming but I wasn’t allowed to go to that meeting anyway.

 

December 12 (Day 46)

Another long boring day, neither good nor bad, just a long day.  The best thing is that I am sleeping at night.  Of course, as soon as the nurse sees that these pills are helping me she will cut me off.  I don’t understand her.  Poor shelley.

Maybe tomorrow I will get a visit.  Nobody has come to see me, except Leonard, since I was in court.  I don’t have much to write tonight.  I really didn’t do anything today.  I just lied around like a lump, as Moe would say.  If I could sleep all day, I would, for I am without hope.  Let’s just get this thing over with so I can get on with life.  I finished my book, “On  a Clear Day you can see General Motors” [by John Z. DeLorean], and tonight I start a new one, “Disturb not the dream”.  It’s the books that help me get through this.  Just to spend an afternoon in a public library would mean the world to me.

 

December 13 (Day 47)

Another weekend is over and a new week begins tomorrow.  I was at AA tonight.  I’m finding these meetings excruciating boring.  I have no interest in it.  The only reason I go is so that it will be marked in my file.  I will not be brainwashed.  I believe that one can stay sober without listening to that horseshit over and over again.  Just listening is bad enough but to believe that I would turn my life over to their god is foolishness.  I am responsible for my actions.  I will not use the concept of a diocese as a scapegoat.

I am thinking about appealing my sentence.  Tomorrow, I will make some calls to see if that is possible and feasible.  I believe I have several reasons I could appeal.  The prosecutor portrayed me as a commercial trafficker and that has not been proven.  Also my lawyer was ill prepare and did not present examples of similar cases (jurisprudence) she also did not accurately present my background in treatment.

I think that, at the very least, I should investigate the possibility of an appeal, what have I to lose? 

Today went by slowly here.  Coming back from supper, spotted a newspaper from Halifax on the desk.  It’s amazing how much I looked forward to getting my hands on it.  I guess it doesn’t take much to amuse me in here.

 

December 14 (Day 48)

Today I asked about appealing my sentence.  [Supervisor] made some calls about it.  He doesn’t think so but he’s waiting to have a call returned from a lawyer.  I’ll find out tomorrow.

I found out today that I will be (should be) moved to medium tomorrow.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I’m comfortable here where I am now and am getting along good with the others.  But moving will be a step forward toward my release.  I will meet some new people and get some more freedom.  It looks better to the parole board if you are in med or min and getting involved with things to keep you busy.  Some of the parole officers come there to visit so I am able to talk to them, Doug is in there too so I can hang out with him.  I’ll be able to use computers there too and maybe help out in the library..

Tonight we had a Christmas party put on by the … Charlottetown Church Council, I think Ian Yearwood, my accountant, is a member and he was there tonight.   I was surprised to see him.  I had a brief feeling of shame and embarrassment but it passed and I went and talked with him for a few moments.  He was friendly and I didn’t get the feeling he was judging me or looking down at me.  I don’t really have much shame about my past but I am somewhat apprehensive about seeing someone I used to know.  I guess I should expect that because I did hit bottom in full view of the public.  But I’m better now and soon will be on my way back up the ladder.  The future looks good to me and I await it with pleasure.

They had Pepsi at this party.  I didn’t realize how nice it would be to taste something like pop again, there was chips, coke, cookies and ice cream for us as well.  All in all a good scoff, a good munch.

I noticed today that I will be getting Atanax[?] nightly now.  That is a major relief. I will be sleeping well at night again.

 

December 15(Day 48)

 Today I got moved to medium.  I’m not sure if I like it here or not.  Max was … smaller.  You got to know people better.  Here it seems like everybody keeps to himself more.  This unit I’m in seems kind of dull.  There’s one guy here from Souris.  I never met him before but he seems to know who I am.  There’s a lot of people I meet from Souris who seem to know me.  I must have an interesting reputation.  Hmmm ….

Doug is in the other unit as well as Joe Gaugh, who I used to know in Souris when I was a kid.  I was over there playing cards for a while this afternoon (although, I’ve been told that is not usually allowed.  It was just that we had one of the “good” guards on today).  All the guys over there seem friendly and easy going.  I’m going to ask for a transfer when they get an empty cell, on Saturday as I understand it.

 

December 16 (Day 49)

Still getting adjusted to things here in near medium. We got into a game of Risk here tonight. The time goes really fast when we’re playing Risk. Also Iraq was getting bombed in real life so the news on tv was interesting.

The afternoon was really long it seemed. I thought the guys in my unit were kinda dull but it was fun playing Risk tonight. I was planning to move to Doug’s unit on Saturday but now I’m not sure. Doug hates it over there. He says its too noisy. He’s working in the kitchen and going to every meeting he can go to just to get out of the unit.

I unsure whether or not I could handle it in there. I like the guys that are in there but I don’t want to get into a situation I’m uncomfortable with. John Davis [my lawyer] called me today. I asked him if an appeal is possible and he says he’ll check it out. Legal Aid says it isn’t but I’d like to get a second opinion as I don’t have much faith in Legal Aid. I’ll just remain optimistic and hope that John calls with good news.

 

December 17 (Day 50)

Today went by fairly well. My mother was here for a visit this afternoon. She came late so we were only together for a few minutes. She was crying when I came in. It’s kind of sad how things I’ve done and what I’ve gotten myself into affects her. I just don’t know how I feel about everything. After all the treatment centers I’ve been in this year it doesn’t seem to matter to me where I am. I no longer have a home. This is my home. And if I wasn’t here I’d be in a treatment centre so I just don’t care anymore. I can’t get on with my life until this is over with. I have no money and nowhere to go. And there’s no hope of me having money or a place to go for a few more months at least. These are my circumstances and I have to accept them or else I could just lie here being miserable and depressed all the time. And that’s not how I want to live my life.

This evening mum and [Janine] came to visit and brought [Valerie] with them. It was really good to see her again. My biggest regret is that I haven’t been there to see her grow (and Steven too). [Valerie] looks very much like me. [Janine] and I make cute babies. I don’t think it’s possible to be any cuter than [Valerie] is.

Meanwhile on tv, the war continues. Iraq is getting a beating much to our enjoyment. It’s time for Saddam to die, time for an end to his tormenting of the world. Perhaps it will help to bring peace to that region.

 

December 18 (Day 51)

First snowstorm of the season today. But it won’t bother me in here. I wouldn’t care if the whole island was buried. I’m not gonna step outside till spring or till I leave this place, whichever comes first.

We played Risk all day today. It’s a good way of getting to know each other. The guys here are alright. I’m not going to move to the other unit as I had planned. Rob seems like a good fellow. He’s from BC and was into drugs out there. I’d like to get to know him and perhaps meet up in Vancouver some day. He has the same length of sentence as I do – 20 months. We’ll both be getting out around the same time, overall, I feel pretty good today. I think it’s more relaxed, a bit of relief actually, to be in here as opposed to a treatment centre. Nobody here questions my motivation for being here. I don’t have to suck up to anybody, I can just be me. It’s funny that I have to go to jail to find freedom.

 

December 19 (Day 52)

The day went by fast. We played Risk all day with some guys from the other unit (Doug from Max and Kenny). I went to the gym tonight for a few games of pool – eight ball with Rob as my partner. I’m going to the gym more often now just to get out of the unit. During the week, I should be able to get out to play with the computer if I can work something out with the teacher. Also we played a game of scrabble tonight. Noel was a good opponent – I beat him by two points.

It isn’t bad being in jail really. If you have some good guys in your unit, the time passes quickly. I don’t find it much worse than being in treatment except that I can’t get our of here on weekends. I can’t list too many benefits of being in jail but I can accept that I’m here and just do my time, ‘like a trouper’, as Andre would say.

Christmas is getting close but there’s very little to remind you of it in here.

 

December 20 (Day 53)

It wasn’t a bad day today. I slept all morning and most of the afternoon. We didn’t play any Risk today but Noel and I played a couple games of scrabble. I find scrabble enjoyable. It was a long boring AA meeting tonight. I really am sick of that shit now. How many times do I have to hear the same lines over and over again?

Rob was telling me stories about life in B.C. I’m interested in moving out there now. The weather and the lifestyle appeals to me. And the drug scene too. Somehow, someway, I’m getting off this island. If not Ontario, then B.C. is the place for me. An escape from winter. And from life in a small town. The geographical cure.

I didn’t get my sleeping pill tonight. I hope I don’t have to plead with the nurse to get them again. I’ve been sleeping well ever since they gave them to me.

Only five more days till Christmas, although that means very little to me.

 

December 21 (Day 54)

Christmas is closing in on us. Just four more days. No problem with medication today. The guard on duty brought it to me late last night. Just a mistake. Jennifer was our nurse today. A fine job she does looking after us.

Brian Smith from the parole office was here today and I spoke to him for a minute. He hasn’t gone over my application yet and so it might be another four or five months before we get a decision. But first I have to secure a place at Talbot House. I’ll have to call Irene tomorrow. I think she likes me. She should be in a good mood anyway at this time of year.

The Legal Aid lawyer called today and told me that my sentence could be appealed but it would cause my parole application to be suspended. I’ll have to call John Davis and ask for advice on this tomorrow. I should also call home since it’s been a while since I’ve called. Anyway everything is going ok and I’m one day closer to getting out of here.

 

December 22 (Day 55)

Time went real slow today, but I got some things done. I was talking to Irene at the Talbot House today. I haven’t talked to her since I left for Guelph in September. I enjoy talking with her. It seems like we communicate well. If I was under her care this fall maybe I wouldn’t be in here now. Unfortunately, she told me that I can’t get back into Talbot House for six months. She said she would be calling some staff she knows here. I’m not sure what about but, I know she will help me out any way she can. There is somebody who understands me. She also suggested I take some correspondence courses while I’m in here.

I was talking to John Bradley about that after she called. There’s nothing available from UPEI or Holland College but I got addresses for all the schools in Canada from him. So maybe I can find something of interest. But I don’t want to ask my family for help to pay for it.

I made a phone call to my mother today that really pissed me off. She heard that I was smoking on the flight to Guelph and this news has now spread through her family all across the country. She whined about this and that my letter to Steven was immature and about everything else I do as is usually how it is. I’m very used to my family complaining about everything I do. I wouldn’t even call [Janine] cause I couldn’t trust her that what I say is confidential. I just want to get away from the island. I will never live in Souris again. And I hope that I will never have to spend another night there.

My future is in Vancouver or maybe Toronto. I hope that things come together soon so I can get on with my life.

 

December 23 (Day 56)

Today was a good day for me. I just finished doing two weeks of assignments in math and English that one of the [guys] has to do to get his grade 12 GED. It only took me about 2 hours. I find the math very stimulating intellectually. My price for doing the work is that he will clean the unit for me tomorrow. We now have to clean the unit once every eight days.

I was at the AA meeting tonight and my father was there. I was surprised to see him. The group from North Lake came in to put on the meeting. I expected him to speak but he didn’t. I guess he just came to see me and check out the jail.

Also today I wrote eleven letters to colleges, mostly in Vancouver, to get info on writing courses. I want to take some correspondence courses while I am in here. I might as well make the best of my time. And I wrote two letters to the gov’t; one complaining about the air quality and the other asking for a copy of the regulations of the jail and the rights of the prisoner. Letters to the govt. are sealed and are not read by the staff. [Supervisor] Trainor came to see me and seemed concerned that that I was going over his head. I had a good talk with him about some concerns I have. I question whether they have the right to demand a urine sample from me when I haven’t signed a consent to give one. If a prisoner refuses to give one he will lose privileges. I want to see the laws regarding this. If no one questions jail policy, the jail will do whatever it pleases. I always question authority. I want to know why I have to do something if I’m told to do it.

I am bothered by the air quality in here. It is very dry and a lot of us are getting headaches. I suppose if nobody complains, nothing would change. So while I am in here, I will do what I can to make things better for all of us.

 

December 24 (Day 57)

Christmas eve. This morning I got a letter from Santa Claus. I wrote to him as a joke. I didn’t expect a response but he wrote back and said “there’s still hope Reggie”.  

I’m not depressed but it did cheer me up quite a bit. So much can happen when you write a letter. Words are powerful things.

We played some Risk and Scrabble tonight which I really enjoyed. Being in jail isn’t all that bad, even during the holidays. You just have to accept the fact that you’re here and being depressed and angry doesn’t help anything.

I called [Janine] tonight. I was hoping to talk to Steven and [Valerie] but I only got to talk to [Janine] for a bit. They’ll all be in to see me tomorrow anyway.

I bought six Cherry Blossoms from the canteen and wrapped them up as gifts (from Santa, of course) for the guys in the unit. I hope it makes things just a little bit better for them tomorrow.

Some people get a bit stressed out this time of year, away from their families. I just try to take it one day at a time and stay optimistic. Eventually things will return to normal for me. So now I wish myself a merry Christmas and go to sleep.

 

December 25 (Day 58) Christmas

Christmas has come to us, even here in Sleepy Hollow. I put out my stocking last night and wrapped up gifts and put one in front of everybody’s door. When I got up there was a new toothbrush in my sock and the guys were accusing me of giving the gifts. If felt good this morning. It was like the spirit of Christmas was here. I was remembering what it was like when I was a kid.

We had chocolate milk with our dinner today which was quite a treat for in here. Ice cream too.

All the family was in to see me at one o’clock. [Valerie] was very pretty, as she always is. I didn’t really get to talk to Art. I’m hoping he’ll be in by himself soon. [Janine] told me that Abigail is working at the store for the asshole who took over, that really pissed me off. I felt betrayed and I think I’ll let Abigail know how I feel. After I got back to the unit, I called Mike and talked to him for a while. He’s going to send some books I can use to study on the computer here. The time should go faster when I get to use the computers. Also, I found out that I can get some crossword puzzle books brought in. That’ll give me something to do when things are quiet here.

Two of the guys in our unit, Dean and Abby, got out for 12 hours today (TA – temporary absence). They seemed to enjoy their time out. I wasn’t eligible for a TA but I’m not sure that I would want one anyway. It might just be a tease and make my time harder. Anyway, I stayed here so it doesn’t matter. Christmas has come and gone. Now I await the new year.

 

December 26 (Day 59)

I’m just glad the day is over. Today is my 60^th day here (he was off by a day ...). 42 more and I’m eligible for day parole although it will likely be much longer because of the paperwork involved.

I wrote two letters today; one was to the director of correction's.

I’ve been asking to see the Corrections Act and so far I’ve been denied or ignored by everyone I’ve asked. So I’ve decided to go outside the jail and see what happens. 

I also complained about Gary T. asking what’s in my sealed letters, the second letter was to the Minister of Health. I’m complaining about the razors we use. We are expected to re-use disposable razors and store them together. I think this is both unsanitary and unacceptable. (response on Jan 27, 1999, from the PEI Government)

I’m going to stir up some shit around here and see what happens. They’ll either be pricks to me or want me out on parole as soon as possible.

I’m also going to put up a chip at AA and then take it down a week later to test the anonymity principle. They shouldn’t be allowed to ask me about what happened because what goes on in the rooms of AA is supposed to stay there. I’m curious to see what happens.

I didn’t do much at all today. I just did some crossword puzzles, played a few games of pool and watched some tv. I expect tomorrow will be much of the same.

 

December 27

Today went really slow being both a holiday weekend and a Sunday. I slept and watched tv for most of the day. I was thinking though that I would be just as bored if I was in Souris as I am here.

We watched an interesting documentary about drugs in Vancouver and then a gangster movie, Goodfellas. Since I’ve been in here my interest in selling drugs has been renewed. Sending me to jail was probably the worst possible thing they could have done to me. Anything I didn’t know before about selling drugs I know now. And I’ve found connections to get anything I want. I may be much more of a problem for the cops when I get out than I ever was. Anything is possible if I stay straight and use the knowledge I have now. Anything.

 

December 28

Long holiday weekend finally is over. Everything back to semi-normal. Well actually no it isn’t not yet. Tomorrow it is.

I was talking to Irene today on the phone. I don’t think I would be in jail if Irene had been there this fall. She is a very intelligent woman. And she seems to be the only one who understands me. It’s unfortunate that I can’t get back in Talbot House for six months, because by that time it will be too late to commit myself for three to six months. I can only hope things work out some other way.

I spent most of the day playing Scrabble, first with Abby and then with Noel. I lost a bale of tobacco to Abby. I don’t like gambling because it creates tension and causes pressure. But Abby only plays if he’s gambling.

Anne T. called here today and left her number but I wasn’t able to get back to her. I hope to get a few things done tomorrow (phone calls to home, lawyer and check out library) and send letter to Abigail.

 

December 29

Another day down; two more left this year. I look forward to 1999 and hope it brings good luck, prosperity and happiness, not just for myself but for all.

I called Ann T. today. She will be coming for a visit on Thursday which I look forward to. A chance for me to catch up on the latest news from the city.

I also called my mother. She will be in dropping off some books (from Art and Ambrose) and some crossword puzzles. I look forward to receiving them so I can keep myself entertained.

I read my short story about jail to Rob today. He seemed to enjoy it. I wish I could come up with another one as my creativity pleases me. I hope that someday I can use it to amuse a larger audience, and, of course, cash in on it, although that is not my purpose in writing. I just believe I have a unique perspective on life that should be shared with the world. I just hope they’ll be able to understand the strange things that come out of my twisted mind. Some do, some don’t.

I’ve often been told that I should get involved in creative writing and I think it is time that I entered that field. Now that I’ve gotten away from drugs I see so much opportunity out there in the world that has so far passed me by. It’s time I reached out and grabbed it.

 

December 30

It was an interesting day in our unit. This morning Abby, Dean and then Rodney each moved to the other units. This was unexpected. Apparently Abbie didn’t like the nurse here so he left and the others followed. So I elected myself the new our new unit rep. I was just thinking yesterday that I could do a much better job than Abby. And suddenly I get the job. Funny how these things happen. So finally I am in control now. Things will be different around here. First the unit, then the world. So many plans to make. First, I’ve appointed Jimmy as my secretary and Minister of Recreation, Jason as Minister of Education(he has Grade 6), Rob as Minister of Justice (he likes to fight), and Noel as Minister of Fisheries (he’s from Tignish). On Monday I will present our demands to the staff or anyone who will listen and then the process of change begins.

I wrote a letter to Rockport today complaining about their moldy tobacco. It will be interesting to see their response. It would be nice to get some free tobacco.

The group that was supposed to put on the AA meeting tonight didn’t show up so our meeting was called off, which was a relief to me. The only thing I like about the meetings here is getting out of the unit for a while.

Tomorrow is New Year’s eve. I’m expecting a visit from Ann and a peaceful relaxed evening afterwards.